How to Come out to Homophobic Parents

1. Make sure you will be safe.

When we think of coming out, we all tend to think of the worst case scenario first. Try to think what would realistically happen based off your relationship with your parents. If you have neglectful or abusive parents, it’s much safer to write them a letter or get another adult to help you. On top of this, if being kicked out is an actual threat, you should wait until you aren’t dependent of them. Once you’ve moved out they can’t do anything to you. They might also take you more seriously as an adult, rather than brushing you off as a teen going through a phase.

2. Before they can accept you, you have to accept yourself.

If you suffer from internalized homophobia, the experience itself can actually be very painful regardless of the outcome. The guilt and anxiety that can come from this experience can be detrimental to your mental health, and you can't go back once you’re out. Make sure you love yourself for who you are. It can even influence your confidence and speech when you do come out.

3. Dumb it down.

Don’t go up to them and just say “I’m gay.” (or trans and etc.). If this is the first thing they hear, they could be filled with anger, confusion and a handful or presumptions about you. Don’t just drop the bomb, ease your way in and explain yourself. For instance, saying “Ever since I was younger I’ve felt x way for x reasons. I guess you can call me (insert identity).” This makes it a lot easier for an adult to process. This is also very helpful for people with complicated and lesser known identities, like non binary individuals. You might even want to exclude the name of your sexuality so your parents think of this as “how my child feels” rather than “they just like this made up title for attention.” Keep in mind most adults don’t know that many LGBT terms, and the ones they do know come with a set of stereotypes.

4. Prepare for the worst.

I want to tell you that everything will be fine, but I don’t know your situation. You don’t want this to end up in flames, so make sure you have nothing to lose. Have a plan for what to do if x outcome comes true. It’s a lot better to sigh in relief about how much you over prepared than to end up screwed over because you didn’t. This can mean different things for different people. Maybe you know you’ll need a place to stay or another adult to interfere. Maybe you’ll need to set up a counseling session with a doctor (especially for transgender individuals.)

Good luck, and stay safe.