How to Be Thankful

Somewhere between my ups and my downs I learned a valuable lesson. I learned that even when I fell on my face, even when I had nothing left to give, I had the power to bring myself up.

I played the victim for the majority of my being. I used my life as an excuse to feel sorry for myself. My parents were divorced, I had poor male experiences from a too-young-of-age, I was born into the lower-middle class, I was fighting with my own personal morals, my family didn't see things like I did... and it was always the universe's fault.

I never took the time to understand that I had the sole control to build a life that I wanted. A life that I would be proud of.

At the early age of 19, I was a mother of two, and was madly (and ignorantly) in love with my high school sweetheart. He never worked; I brought in the money. I worked pregnant; I went back to work 2 weeks after my youngest was born. I missed so much time working and living with my head in the clouds. I thought, yes, I'm struggling, but this is the sacrifice I'll gladly make so that my little family could make it. Then I realized that there are worse things in the world than struggling. When the father of your children turns to drugs. Not fun, harmless drugs. No, these were drugs your parents and teachers warned you about. The ugly, disgusting drugs. Drugs that you only knew the name of but were too afraid to actually talk about them. At least, that's how I felt about them.

My life changed dramatically. I was jobless thanks to my spouse. I was kicked out of our home that I solely paid for for nearly two years. And here I was, STUCK. I was stuck living with in-laws and a broken fantasy of a mate. I had no family of my own, I felt, because I was too ashamed to reach out for help.

Until the day I left.

I had to pick myself up. I had to struggle on my own. I gathered my children and, even though I took care of them from then on, they are the true heroes in this story. I wouldn't have changed if not for them. I wouldn't have been so strong.

I've been in a thousand or more difficult times since then. I've also seen an abundance of happiness. My life will never be perfect. If you are going through life with the idea that there are people out there with perfect happy lives, you have a ridiculous sense of reality. There are no instructions to this thing we call life. I am not better than you. Nor you, I.

I had to learn the hard way, thanks to my mother for making me so stubborn, that I had to stop playing a victim. I was not a victim. Nobody made my decisions for me. No body had put me into one horrible situation after another, other than myself. I had gotten my children and I into a sticky situation. Bouncing around from one family member to another, trying to get on my feet, angry because I wasn't given anything in life. Feeling sorry for myself instead of doing anything REAL about it. Other than complaining.

I had enough of the pity party. I was over feeling sorry for myself. I was done letting my life and my experiences control where I was head, and even worse, where my CHILDREN were headed. I took a look back on my life and realized that when I felt alone, it was because I had pushed everyone away for my own personal benefit or so that I can get what I wanted at that moment. When I was stuck, I had made a personal decision to get there. When I thought life was unfair because I had no money to my name, it was because I had decided to shop irresponsibly, let my spouse throw away money and was young and dumb. I changed my mind set.

I was no longer going to be the girl who thought the world was against her. I wasn't going to allow my kids to grow up with that mentality, either. You want something? Go get it. The world didn't provide you with riches or hand you the life you dream of? Too bad. Work towards it, earn it, and maybe, just maybe, you'll get it.

With this change of thinking, I gained something even MORE valuable. I was thankful. I was humbled by my downfalls. I had amazing children. They are healthy, smart, and kindhearted. They might be a little goofy sometimes, but I was so thankful to be their mother. I had never before sat back and thought about how lucky I was, and that, my friends, is where I went wrong. I had two beautiful children, I had a roof over my head, I had family that would support me through any choices I made, and I had an income. I was working toward a goal. I was TRYING. That was it. That was enough. My downfalls weren't as bad as others, and they absolutely could have been worse.

And yet, they weren't. I had everything I needed and more. Yes, I had dreams and goals that I one day wanted to meet, and I will get there. I realized that even though my life hadn't been what I wanted it to be YET, doesn't mean I had nothing. I learned to be thankful. I learned to be grateful.