How It Feels as a Daughter to Have a Toxic Mother

My mother has never ever physically harmed me in any way. But whenever I think of the treatment I've had from my mother, emotionally, the movie Mother Dearest pops into my head. Starting from when I was around 8 or 9 then gradually getting more horrible as time went by, my mother not only said things and did things that were inappropriate to me but also my 3 other sisters growing up. The most heartbreaking thing about it is, half the time there are genuine mother love moments I've received loving advice and concern; the other half has been nothing but damaging comments and selfish behavior.

So let's get into it. There are endless reasons why this movie reminds me of my mother and I's relationship. My mother is basically a "mean girl." You know those girls you went to high school with that you hated because they would always force their own insecurities on you, telling you you were fat or that your nose was crooked because they thought those things about themselves. I mean really what kind of mother randomly comes to you one day and asks you, "Have you ever felt insecure about your nose, you know it's crooked right?" or asks you for your measurements so that she can compare them to her own.

I mean, it's really a double whammy. Being bipolar and narcissistic at the same time really makes trusting anything she says, other than asking her what she bought at the store to have for dinner, virtually impossible. My mother has had a rough life. Her childhood was extremely controlled however because, growing up, they didn't have a family car my mother would literally have to take dates to get a ride to the store at times. I admire and respect her so much, she's tough as nails and ultimately doesn't let anything get her down. At the same time however showing any kind of weakness to her is absolutely not tolerated in her presence.

In my experience as an adult, the people who have my complete trust are the very ones I am comfortable breaking down in front of. You can't keep it together every second of the day. If you can't show any sign of sadness of weakness in front of someone, how are you supposed to trust them? However, I think I was awarded one pass when I got my heart truly broken by my first love, she was by my side for all of 10 minutes asking me why I fell so hard for someone who obviously wasn't worth it.

After it all, the one thing that truly tears me up inside is that my mother has never and will never be considered my rock or best friend. Anytime I hear women say that their mother has been there through it all and they don't know what they would do without the knowledge and advice they received as adult women going through motherhood years and receiving help along the way... It makes me want to vomit and ball my eyes out all at once. Beautiful picture right? I know for fact that my mother will not be the first person I tell that I've found the man of my dreams. She will not be helping me plan a single detail of my wedding. She will not be there to reassure me that I will be an amazing mom myself when I find out I'm pregnant, when tbh I am nowhere near certain if I even want kids. She will not be available to call when I'm at my wit's end from stress and just need to hear some reassurance that I'm not completely blowing it as a parent.

I'm pretty strong spiritually. I don't attend church every Sunday. But I have a strong belief that somewhere there is a God watching over me and making sure I and the people I love are safe. Every time I have the unwon battle in my head, I simply make myself deduce it down to... this is just my seriously unfortunate burden to bear in life. There are worse things I suppose.