How It Affects Me

My childhood was a relatively normal and happy one. I have three little sisters, two of which share a father with me. No brothers at all. Just us girls. Hell, there was hardly ever a long-term man around as I grew up. My mother had shitty luck and it was not until I was about to turn 18 that she finally found a man she is genuinely happy with. He is actually a pretty decent person. I didn't really see it when I was younger, but to be honest I think a lot of my issues with him came from the issues we have always had with our father.

Edwin used to be a really great guy. I still have many fond memories of him, and you will never hear me say that I do not love my dad. I worry about him frequently, and I hate the fact that my future children will not get to meet the awesome guy he used to be. I refuse to let them see what he has become. I grew up only seeing him every once in awhile. Every time I did get to see him it was a very happy time for my sisters and I. It usually meant ice cream and some time at the park. Looking back now, I can see just how much he was changing right before our eyes though. When he was clean he was a heavier-set man. Now I realize that each time we saw him he grew thinner and thinner. He would claim it was because of the work he was doing, but honestly, he never held a job for very long so that excuse didn't add up.

Then, for a long time, we didn't hear from my dad much. To be honest, I don't know the real reason why. He claims he tried to reach us, but who knows. When I was in the 7th grade my mother let me make a Facebook account. It didn't take long before my sisters and I were reconnected with not just my dad, but also his brother, my uncle Rick. We loved it! The back and forth communication continued for a few years. Then, when I was 16, my dad decided to come back into town to visit my sisters and I. We were so excited. Once he got here the fun began. He took us to the mall, bought us some stuff, took us out to eat, we got coffee, and went to the movies. We even stayed in his hotel with him! It was great. I will never forget how happy we all were together. There was a lot of hugging and crying.

Fast forward to when I was 19 years old. I always struggled in school. It's not so much that I couldn't keep up, but rather I just didn't care. I failed most of high-school. It wasn't until I was 18 that I started getting straight A's. By then it was too late though and I realized I had to start making other plans. So I posted a status on Facebook about my plans to drop out and get my GED. Most of my friends and some family members freaked out on me. They acted as if I was throwing my life away. I was devastated by the fact that it seemed like no one had any faith in me. They couldn't wrap their heads around the fact that doing so was exactly how I was going to better my life. I stayed up all night in tears.

The next morning I was woken up by a phone call. I saw it was my dad and I assumed he was going to lecture me too. I was ready for a fight. The first thing he said to me though was "I saw your status, and I read some of the comments. I want to help you get things rolling." He went on to tell me how he wanted me to move to North Dakota to live with him and my grandmother. He promised to help me get my GED, a job, my license, and a car. I was beyond excited. A new state, a new chance. It seemed perfect. When I ran it past my mother, and everyone else that hadn't pissed me off the previous day, they all encouraged me to take the chance. Everyone, myself included, thought it would be a great opportunity. So one week later I got on a train and traveled for twenty-four hours. He picked me up at the station and when we saw each other we both cried. It was the best hug I had ever gotten. After years of being apart, I was finally going to get to live with my father. I couldn't believe it.

Things went south very quickly though. Within just two days of living there, I had a job. It felt amazing. Just a simple minimum wage job at a small grocery store. For the first week, everything seemed to be going very well. That was until Ed decided to go to a party out of town. I didn't think much of it at first since on the weekends we both kinda just did our own thing. I went on dates, he went to visit friends. It was fine until they started coming home with him. I don't actually remember this chick's name so let's just call her Meth Hoe. Meth Hoe was a thief. She would steal absolutely anything from me. Pajama pants, makeup, razors, soap, USED deodorant. One time I spent $200 on groceries for myself, left for work and came back, and she had eaten every last crumb. Overall she was just a nasty person.

I would try to discuss having her kicked out with my grandma, but she has a tendency to just let Ed do whatever he wants. It seemed hopeless. I started to have a hard time sleeping. My bedroom only had a curtain and my dad's room was directly in front of mine. Every night I had to listen to those two have sex. I had to listen to her call him "Daddy." One time, while I was watching TV downstairs, she walked up to the stairs and yelled to Ed "Hey! Do you have any porn?!" My head turned to her and she rolled her eyes at me and said: "I meant corn." Meth Hoe was treating me like I was a dumb child. The longer she was around, the thinner my dad got, and the more alone I felt in that unfamiliar house, in that unfamiliar state.

This is about the time I started having panic attacks every single time I was left alone for more than five minutes. Every single night while they were fucking, I was in tears. There is so much more I could write about too. I could go into details about the time my father tried to convince me his ex-girlfriend was stalking us all around town and sending her friends after him, even though she was at home with her son packing for our long trip to Washington State. She was taking me back to my home state since she has headed this way anyway, and it felt as if he was trying to make me feel unsafe with her, just so I would have to stay since I had no money for the train. One time during a three-hour trip, he sat there talking about how it was my mother's fault he was never around and called her a whore over and over again. He also tried to get into the things they did in the bedroom. Ed did and said a lot of awful things I did not need to be around.

My sisters and I deserved better. Every child deserves better. I have a lot of trust issues, anxiety, and anger problems now that I never had before spending seven months with this man. I am not the same person that boarded that train, but I can say that I am growing still. It is all still hard to look back on, maybe someday I will be ready to share more of it.

For now, I am just trying to piece myself back together. Part of doing so has been trying to forgive him. I understand that all the awful moments that hurt me should not overshadow the fact that I did learn a lot from the experiences. The most important lesson, one I am still trying to get down 100 percent, is to forgive but never forget. Like I said before, I do not hate my father. I know he loves us. I will always love him too, but never again will I trust him. Respect is something you have to earn and even though he is my dad, I have zero respect for him or the choices he has made in his life.

Every day brings its own challenges. I will eventually be okay and hopefully, someday, I will piece back together every piece of my broken heart. I don't think he ever meant to hurt us. I think his selfishness got in the way of him being a good dad.