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How I Learned to Love Myself Again

This is a true story about how I learned to accept myself as I was, and love myself again.

By Carol TownendPublished 7 years ago 6 min read
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To learn to grow, you have to become one with nature and blossom. That is when you find your authentic self.

From a very young age up to my late twenties, I was bullied. I was bullied for the way I looked, dressed, my body, my weight, for having learning problems and for being 'too soft.' It went on for so long, that I started to hide behind a 'mask,' this means, I hid my authentic self and changed everything about myself just to fit in with the 'crowd.'

I was a very sensitive girl at school. I didn't like seeing anyone get hurt, was always aiming to please, and I hated fighting. I was bullied a lot on the playground at school for this, because these bullies knew that I would never hit them back. It became so bad that I started to hate school, especially P.E. and games, in which we had to shower in a shared shower block. I made up lots of excuses from being unwell to being on my period, out of desperation to not be seen naked in front of the other girls.

One day I was walking home from school when a group of girls came over and started calling me names. One of these girls kicked me in the ankle leaving a nasty gash, and my sore reminder is the scar that has stayed there ever since.

During my early teens, I had a major argument with my parents, and I moved out to live with my then boyfriend temporarily while I got sorted out. If I knew what was coming next, I would never have done it. I went back to my parents for a while, but I needed my things from the flat I had lived in with my boyfriend. When I got there, I was greeted by a group of girls who were older than me (I was 15 and they were around 18). I discovered my boyfriend had been seeing one of these girls while he was seeing me. I tried to explain the situation, but rather than listen to me, they punched me, booted me, then dragged me to the bathroom while pushing my head into a bath filled with hot water several times. I managed to get away, but I never managed to tell anyone what had happened.

The bullying did not stop there, it continued in various areas of my hometown in West Yorkshire even after two of my children were born, until I left my hometown altogether.

As you can imagine, I did not like myself for a long time after being bullied. I hated my weight, my height, my face, my hair and I became critcal of my personality. I was constantly yo-yo dieting, and I would go to extremes to change my looks, and behave in a 'tough way' that wasn't me. It was easier to live behind this mask than to accept myself as I was, and acknowledge that I had been in a horrible situation no one should ever have to go through.

My turning point came after I moved to Dorset. Here, apart from the normal odd arguments you get in everyday life, people treated me kindly, and they accepted me as I was. I was extremely nervous when I moved here and very wary of everyone I met. If someone looked at me, I would think that there was something wrong with me, and if they said something or paid me a compliment, I saw it as a personal attack. I avoided people for some time, but then I had children.

I realized as my children were growing up, that self-esteem was an important factor in teaching them to be confident in being who they were. The question was, how could I do this if I wasn't confident enough to be myself? I had to start somewhere, so I started by baking with my children, and watching them enjoy my food. My children loved my cooking and baking, but they quickly picked up on the fact that I wasn't eating properly, and I knew I had to do something about that, otherwise I would put my children off their food, and they would believe that eating is not normal. I set myself a task of choosing what was for breakfast, lunch, tea with the children, and I turned it into fun. My children loved strange recipes, so we would get creative with food, like adding carrots and peas to pasta bolognese and arranging smiley faces on top, having cheese sandwiches with chocolate, and creating cakes with dolly mixture. Doing this taught me that food was fun, and although I had to take it slow, I started eating again.

Body image was a huge problem for me. I do not have a flat stomach or firm arms. I have a scarred rounded stomach because of the c-sections, and also because my stomach is naturally round. I would exercise several hours a day and also force up my food. This was something I was determined to stop for my sake and my children. The doctor was aware of it, but was very little help, so I took it on to help myself. I observed my children choosing clothes they loved to wear, and watched my girls dress up and comb their hair. My girls often asked me to 'tint' their cheeks, and help them apply lipgloss. They also loved me styling their hair and choosing clothes with them. I learned that the basics of learning to love myself was to be like my children, who didn't care what people thought of them, even if they looked silly in dress up because that was who they were.

Watching my children, including the boys, gave me the will to grow my confidence. I was nervous, and at first I would wear makeup so it couldn't be seen, and bikini tops with T-shirts over the top. However, my curiosity was aroused by watching my children, so I started looking at style magazines and playing with clothes and makeup. I did this for months, then one day I stepped outside in a mini skirt with a short top and my hair brushed into a pony tail, I even wore my make up so it could be seen! I got compliments such as 'beautiful,' 'pretty,' 'stunning,' which I blushed at because I wasn't used to those, and I continued to persevere with this, which helped and now I can wear what I want with confidence.

Being a parent meant I rarely had any time to myself, and I realized that every single piece of my mind was focused on kids, housework and trying to get everything 'perfect.' I forgot about me in the process of that. I started to read up on what parents classed as a 'normal' family life. I had no idea what that meant, because I was taught that 'normal' meant focusing on all things 'family oriented,' and also that it was 'a womans priority to do the housework.' I learned that what I was taught was not true, and that to be a loving mum, I had to love myself too and sometimes put 'me' first.

After becoming more educated, I realised it was ok to love myself, though the echoes from my own childhood of bullying such as 'you're worthless,' 'you smell,' 'you're ugly,' often got in the way. I had to push them away really hard to make sure that I could love myself. Eventually, I developed 'time out,' which is not the same as the 'time out' that I was often punished with, this was 'special time.' It meant for me, time to bathe, paint my nails, do skin care, read a book, study, exercise, listen to music and just do something 'loving' for me.

When I reflect back, I realize that I am not the 'bad, horrible person' those bullies made me out to be. Although I have a milestone to climb, I have learned to accept and love myself as I am. I have also realized that 'a loving parent is one who also loves herself as a person and as a parent.' When you get to this point, life is free, and you find that 'authentic you' who is naturally who you are, and not what everyone expects you to be, and you realize like me, you don't have to be perfect to be a good person or parent, you can simply be yourself!

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About the Creator

Carol Townend

Fiction, Horror, Sex, Love, Mental Health, Children's fiction and more. You'll find many stories in my profile. I don't believe in sticking with one Niche! I write, but I also read a lot too.

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