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How Do We Live?

Words We Could Not Say

By Heidi SunshinePublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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I often think about the words that we have left unsaid. Like a burning on the edge of our tongues, we long to say it, but we fear the hurt that may follow. If we always said how we really felt and not filter it based on the person, what would be the response? We hide behind words that are meaningless and empty, while our hearts ache in pain.

We look across the room at each other and exchange looks, but we haven't talked in six years. This isn't the way it should be. My kids should be able to run up to you and love on you. You are my mom! And their grandmother! When you tell your kids to go give grandma and grandpa a hug and they look around the room for their other grandparents, because they don't know who you are, that should tell you something. That is something that can only be fixed by you. They notice presence, they notice when they are loved. This is not something they feel or see. How sad. To have your grandmother here, but not have her "claim" you? As a child, you don't understand. Hey! I'm the parent and I don't understand it. Such childish behavior from one of the adults. I have no grandparents (they have all passed), and that is sad and I miss them dearly. But to have all four of your grandparents and have two that don't care, how are they supposed to understand that? The answer is, they don't. Some families hope they eventually have grandchildren, but you have two dozen!

So how do you live? How do you live with the fact that you are blessed with a family most people dream about? That you are blessed with an extensive amount of grandchildren? How do you live with yourself knowing how much you have missed, when you are only a few miles away? I couldn't imagine not loving my kids. How do you live?

So with anger, frustration, and hurt, what do I say? I love you, mom. I don't know how you live with so much hate, but I love you. I don't know how you could miss all the milestones in my life, but I love you. I don't know how you could look at my children and not love them, but I love you. Love is the most powerful energy in the world, but it can't fix whatever you put between us. Only you can do that. I have put the ball in your court. What you do with it, is up to you. I only hope that one day, you will learn to love and let love be your light again. I remember all the fun we had, going to swimming lessons, tennis, play practice, basketball, softball, I was never very good, but you were always my biggest cheerleader.

How do I live? I live with a smile on my face, but a hole in my heart. With so many questions I wish I could ask my mom, but I can't speak with her, even though she is physically here. Even though my heart has a hole in it, it is filled with love. Love for my family and love for life. The life that I have been blessed with and the love that makes every day worth it. That doesn't mean there aren't going to be hard days where I miss you so much it kills, because I will have those days. This just means that in the darkness of hate, I have chosen to love. I have chosen to let go and let God.

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About the Creator

Heidi Sunshine

I am just a girl trying to find my place in this world when the world makes no sense. I find some sense when I write what’s on my mind and in my heart. I have been journaling since I was 8, and have always enjoyed it. Speaking the truth.

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