Hang On

I have been going over all of the changes that are coming my way during this next month, and I have to admit, it really does worry me. I have never been so afraid to let anyone down in my whole life. I want this holiday season to be the a good one.

This will be the first holiday since I officially got custody of the children. I am not just thinking of the presents, because even if they don't get many, they will be happy. Their happiness and making sure they know that despite all of the changes, we are going to be okay, is what I worry about.

I have so much to do in the next month, and during all of this I want to give them a wonderful and very happy Christmas. I know they haven't had much to look forward to this year and I want this to be the first of many things that they are excited about.

I am trying to do the things that my own mother did for us at Christmas. I remember those little things more than any gifts and they always make me smile. It isn't easy because I am also trying to be sure I have everything else done before our only help ends. I have so many questions about things like daycare, visitation, medical care, and even birth certificates and social security cards.

During the past year I have tried to get some of the things on my list done. I asked for help on how to get replacement birth certificates and social security cards for the kids, and I was told I didn't need them. Now that I am going to have custody, I do. I have learned that getting these documents is designed to be difficult, and little to no help is available for people in my situation.

Daycare is the other thing I need to find out about. I never needed it when my kids were little because my mom was there to help me out. Since I have had the kids the state has been helping me. Now I have to figure it out and get any necessary paperwork done in 30 days. My case worker hasn't even come by to go over what happens next and my time is ticking away.

The medical insurance ends for the kids at the end of the month. I have to reapply for their coverage but it may take up to 6 weeks to get the copy of the order saying I have custody. What happens during the gap? I keep asking but no one can answer for me. I am trying to not let it get to me, but one of my girls has asthma and anytime she gets sick it can be bad.

Then there is visitation. How does that get set up? Do I have to let my daughter see the kids alone? What is the right way to make sure they can see their mom and not get hurt in the process? We have been getting help from a monitor that makes sure the kids are okay during visits but now that our case is closed that help goes with it.

I have been working very hard to make sure that everything I can get done, is done, but it is hard to do that and still have the energy needed to work and plan things for the kids to help make sure they are excited about Christmas. I keep my sanity by just taking one day at a time and doing what I can each day.

I still worry that I will let them down, trying to juggle all of these things. I will truly be on my own at the end of the month. I am terrified that I wont be able to do it. I can think of a thousand and one things that could go wrong. Remembering the thousand and one things that won't is the hardest part of it all.

Hang on. That is the plan. I have survived much worse and I know I can get through this. One day at a time is how I will keep my sanity.