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Guilt-Free Distance: Creating Boundaries with Family

Coping with Guilt and Abusive Family Dynamics

By sarah moPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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Photo by Cristian Newman on Unsplash

Many of my friends in the queer community or those of us who were repeatedly abused by a parent know that there is no how-to manual for making peace with these challenging family relationships. Even years after we have left a situation, it has been my experience and observation that many people who come from these backgrounds feel that they are operating at a loss. I’m here to offer a point of view recently given to me that has been extremely freeing: careful boundary work.

I’m talking about taking space from our families in a mindful way;notbecause we are avoiding them but because we acknowledge and honour that they invite harm into our lives, whether it be psychological or physical.

An attractive byproduct of this approach is that it is good at dispelling toxic emotions like guilt and disappointment. For me, years after I had moved out of the care of my abuser, I would still feel guilt surrounding the failure of my relationship with my mother. Yes, I had taken physical space, but I had not yet released myself from the burden of social conditioning that tells us biological relationships i.e. the relationship between a biological mother and child, is of the utmost importance and cannot be replicated.

And so, when mother’s day rolled around, or whenever I heard a thank-you speech that praised mothers as the highest, most sacred figure in family and society, I couldn’t help but feel conflicted and full of shame. I was being ruled by unrealistic narratives and expectations surrounding family and this was the source of a lot of unrest and negativity in my life. To make matters worse, there was an added level of shame because within my culture, there is very little space for alternative family dynamics. Everywhere I looked, social conditioning was urging me to strive and forage a sacred relationship with my biological mother- a person who, in reality, traumatized me. Each time I tried (and failed) to heal our relationship (we even sought the help of psychologists), I felt a sense of deep disappointment and loss. I realize now that the reason I called over and over again to try and make a-mends with my mother was not because we have a sacred spiritual bond, it is because of social conditioning. I know this idea may be controversial to those of you who are mothers and feel very linked to your children at the moment, but please consider…

Would we ever allow a friend to continually harm us? My hope is that you're answering "no" to that one. So why then when would we allow our family members to harm us for a lifetime?

People shouldn’t get a free pass on abuse in any form just because there’s a blood relationship.

By employing the language of boundaries to consciously take space from family, and by recognizing the role that social conditioning has on our expectations for our family members, I now for the first time (I’m nearly 30!) feel liberated from the dynamic. I no longer feel like I’ve abandoned someone who in reality, yes birthed me, but also berated and beat me down mentally and physically throughout my life.

I feel like a human who has taken action and separated themselves from the cycle of intergenerational trauma.

I haven’t communicated my boundary work to my mother. Not because I’m afraid, more just that it would leave occasion for more discussion and confusion between us – defeating the purpose of the boundary work. Still in silence, I shifted my attitude and this has made all the difference.

I feel more open to having the role of mother filled by other female presences and am able to see my own biological mother more compassionately because I am no longer asking something of her that she is not able to give. Maybe that will change somewhere down the line, but until then I wont be the one offering myself up to harmful situations any longer.

Boundary work, when applied with care, is a wonderful example of how when we set limits and honor them, we create space for peace.

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About the Creator

sarah mo

Seasoned globetrotter with a passion for stories. Lover of fruit trees. Follow @smo.motion

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