Grief

The sudden loss of a loved one will turn your life upside down. It's devastating. They're here one day ... gone the next. How the hell do you cope with something like that?

My wife had a minor stroke one Saturday afternoon. We didn't realize it at the time. Two days later I'm taking her to the emergency room because she was confused and scared. That evening, Nov 21, 2016, she was admitted ... early on the morning of Dec 23, 2016 she passed away. Thirty-two days! Poof! We laid Christine to rest on Dec 29th. From that point forward I entered into hell-on-earth. What was I supposed to do now? Everyone close to her was dealing with their own grief at losing her. Who was I supposed to turn to?

I shut myself in. I quit my job. Locked myself in the house. Didn't answer the phone. I quit life. I was mad as hell! I was mad at her doctor for not finding the cancer that killed her. I was mad at the doctors at the hospital for not being able to save her. I was mad at God. I yelled at him ... disowned him ... told him I wanted nothing more to do with such a hurtful and selfish being. Oh ... I was on a rant. I never, once, was mad at Christine though.

By Mother's Day (2017) I had had enough so I tried to end my own life so I could be with Christine. A loud voice in my head told me to suck it up ... so I did. I figured if I couldn't kill myself then I would drink myself to death. Fast forward to June and I'm doing a pretty good job at being a drunk. Six months after my wife had passed and I had avoided hitting my grief head-on ... and was letting it control every aspect of my life.

Fortunately, my sister and brother-in-law would not let me go down without a fight. If it wasn't for them ... and their two wonderful daughters ...I wouldn't be alive today. I would've found a way to leave this life behind. They took me to the lake ... let me hang out. I, actually, started drinking less as well. It was great therapy for me ... and for them as well.

There are a lot of books on dealing with grief ... coping with grief. One common thread amongst everything I read ... you never come out the other side of grief. There is no other side. The grief stays with you. It doesn't go away. It just becomes something more tolerable for you to handle. The waves still come ... just farther apart and not as strong. Anyone that says that there is a point in time when you are supposed to get over it ... is an idiot. Don't listen to them. The deeper you loved someone ... the deeper the grief. But there is life out there to be lived.

I realized, after almost a year, that the one person I was really mad at ... was me. I felt that I had let my wife down. I didn't protect her from this. I failed her. And that consumed me to no end. One promise most men make to their wife: "I will die for you and I will not let anything happen to you as long as I live." Sound familiar? Yeah, me too. Chivalrous ... but impossible to keep. I'm no doctor and I, certainly, am not God almighty. There was no way I would ever have been able to protect her from everything that came at her those last few weeks. But ... by golly ... I was doing everything I could to save her. She was going to leave that hospital and come home with me ... of that I was certain. I was being selfish ... self-righteous ... and egotistical. I ... was going to be able to bring her home. Why? Because ... I ... didn't want her to go away. I ... wanted her with ... ME. Not once did I truly understand all that she was going through. Her watching me struggle to keep it all together ... because with each passing day I knew ... she wasn't going home with me ... but with the Lord.

It took me a little over a year to finally forgive myself for being the idiot I was. I begged Jesus to forgive me for being the idiot I was. I was shackling myself to my late wife through guilt. It wasn't until I removed the ring she placed on my finger that I was able to truly understand the beautiful and wonderful soul she was. She taught me about true love. She taught me how to love a woman ... unconditionally. There was nothing about her I would have ever changed.

We were together for 10 years. She passed away the day before our ninth wedding anniversary. I miss her each and every day. She holds a place in my heart, my memories ... for as long as I live. I know this ... if she could come back she wouldn't. Why would she? She's in a much better place. I am grateful to God above that he ended her pain and suffering and took her home. I can't wait to see her again on the other side.

Grief is a VERY painful process.

Do not shut yourself in. Find someone to talk to. They don't need to talk ... but you do. Find someone that will let you unload everything ... and let you cry on their shoulder. CRY!!! Let it out. If you hold it in it will tear you up. Find a pastor to talk to ... a friend ... a counselor ... anyone who will let you do all the talking ... everything that is on your mind and in your heart. Drinking doesn't help ... we all know that. Find solace in the Bible. It's all in there. PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!!! If you believe then PRAY! God will not end your grief. If he did ... then you would forget that person very quickly. A soul that touches your soul that deeply needs to be grieved for its loss. So that the wonderful memories never fade away.

Remember: your grief ... is YOUR grief. Don't let anyone tell you you've grieved long enough. It WILL get better. You WILL be able to live on ... with the grief as a reminder of the soul that has passed on.

God Bless you all.