Gone Too Soon

It’s been almost three years since you decided to leave us for greener pastures. I still don't understand why you felt that was the only way to fix things. I thought that you were happy and finally able to cope with your pain and longings to be somewhere else but it would appear that I was wrong.

I miss you every single day of my existence and I think about you constantly. I hope that you are happy where you are, but I wonder, too, do you miss us? Do you regret your decision to leave?

There are days that I long to hear your voice, so I turn on one of your songs. There are days that I long for your wisdom, so I try to start a conversation, but you never answer. There are days that I just want to sit down with you and watch TV, but I can't. It hurts me to even go into the house, see your parents, and gaze upon your dog knowing the hurt that they feel every day as well.

Why did you do it? Did you think about those that would hurt afterwards? I am mad, but I am also very sad. There had to be another way, but you didn't let any of us in far enough to try and help. You shut us out and shut yourself down.

I have so much pain on the inside, but yet I try to stay happy. Nobody around me knows the suffering that I have endured or what I go through every single day without you here. I feel like I can’t talk to anybody about the way this makes me feel without sounding crazy or without being judged. Others lost you, too, but they don’t talk about it like I want to. It’s always reminiscing and thinking about you when you were around, but never about what happened or why it happened.

How can they pretend that they are fine? You can see it in their eyes; their soul is defeated and they don’t know which end is up anymore. I want to help, I wish I could help, but who is going to help me? I sometimes wonder if they can see the pain in my eyes like I do in theirs. Do they even look? Do they even care?

Day in and day out, I feel very alone in my feelings. I have no one to talk to because when the topic comes up about you, it gets changed really quickly because nobody wants to admit that it is reality. You really did leave us here trying to cope with your loss, with so many questions, so many wonders.

I miss you each and every day and I am so bewildered that you did this to your family. Where were the warning signs? Where were the hints that you wanted and needed help? Where is the note telling us all you’re sorry but this was the only way? We need that closure, and there is nobody that can give it to us. You’re the only one with those answers and you felt the need to not share any of it before you left. I wish I could talk to you just one more time to find out why, and how I’m supposed to explain to my child that you really are gone. He asked about you every week, asks when you are coming back, where did you go, why you left in such a hurry? I don’t have the answers for him, because you didn’t leave us with any!