Getting Through Loss

There is no getting through loss, there is only living with it... Sharing your story, and hearing others share their stories, it helps to know you are not alone. That others are dealing with the pain of losing a child and still making it through each day. Here is part of my story...

Where to be begin? Well let’s start with Hi. My name is Sylvia. I am a 34 year old mother of five. To be clear I am a mother five. I have two living children, my eldest, Zailayla is almost nine and my son, Zionté is six. I have three beautiful daughters who are no longer here on earth with me. My first loss was my daughter Zuri. I had Zuri at 25 weeks on 12/23/15, she lived 32 days in the NICU before scumming to an infection on 01/24/16. I thought that my life had been turnt upside down by having a preemie, but the thought that my sweet little Zuri would not make it home to be with us never once crossed my mind.

For nearly two straight years I cried every single night. Sometimes I would cry in the shower, sometimes I would cry myself to sleep, other times I would wake myself up mid-sleep crying. I didn’t want to share my tears or my grief. I wanted to be strong or at least pretend to be.

Shortly after Zuri’s second birthday in heaven. I found out I was pregnant. I called my OBGYN right away to schedule my first appointment. I wanted an appointment sooner then later. The scheduled my appointment on January 24. I pleaded with the receptionist for another date. She apologized and said the next one wasn’t for another four weeks. I sucked it up and keep the appointment.

On Zuri’s second Angelversary (day of her passing), my partner and went to my doctors appointment. Doing everything in my power not to be emotional around all of the pregnant woman and new born babies. We went back to the ultrasound room. I started to tear up as I laid down on the table and pulled up my shirt. The ultrasound tech asks, “are you ready for this?” Before we could answer she says “you’re having twins!” The emotions in that moment are honestly indescribable. I cried/laughed/cried, couldn’t breathe. The ultrasound tech went on to say they both have strong heartbeats. By that time I am crying uncontrollably. My partner, Matt, spoke for me, as the ultrasound tech asked if I was ok. “Today is the second anniversary of our daughter passing away.” He said. The ultrasound tech starts to tear up. I know it’s not an easy thing to hear. The ultrasound tech says “well I guess she wanted to make sure you know she’s thinking about you two today.” From that day on I no longer cried myself to sleep, I prayed instead. I prayed and thanked God for the blessings he had given us. I talked to Zuri and told her how great of a big sister she was going to be. I told her that her sister would always know she was looking out for them.

I didn’t exactly have an easy pregnancy with the twins. But once I passed the 25 week mark I was able to breath a little easier. Now I was excited about seeing my daughters. At 28 weeks and two days, I had a slight fever that wouldn’t go away. I didn’t feel bad but I didn’t feel right either. Our car had broke down earlier in the week and hadn’t gotten it fixed yet but I had to listen to my body. So I ordered an Uber for the first time.

After the 15 minute process to get looked at in the hospital, they finally take me back. They want to start with my weight and a urine sample. As I step on the scale my water breaks. The nurse says it’s ok, it happens all the time, and tells me to go give her a urine sample. I’m crying in the bathroom trying to pee into a cup. I come out and she takes me to a small room with three walls and a curtain. The nurse leaves me to get undressed. I start to change into the gown she gave me and I’m crying and screaming. Begging God “please not this” please don’t take them too.”

After more than 20 minutes of me crying and screaming in this tiny room, by myself, the nurse comes in to find the heart beats. She has trouble finding them, but after a few minutes she finds both of them. The nurse says she has ordered lab work and an ultrasound to be done. Another 30 minutes later the tech comes in. Baby B’s heart rate is good, Baby A’s is low but not bad, she has lost a lot of her amniotic fluid. A little under an hour later the doctor comes in with a better ultrasound machine, Baby A’s heartbeat has dropped very low, 120... then 70 and then nothing. 11:55 May 7 2018, then Baby A, now Zoshira Zollie Rae, left this world. My body had failed her. The doctor tells me that I am really sick and I need to deliver right away. He says they cannot deliver me at that hospital because I am under 29 weeks and they are unequipped to deliver at that gustation. So the decide to medivac me to another hospital 30 minutes away.

At moment I am in shock as to everything that is going on, waiting to be transported to another hospital. Another hour goes by and I make it to the other hospital. Of course they have to do their own assessment. After nearly an hour the doctor comes in and tells me, “you are very very sick, we aren’t sure why baby A didn’t make it but the chances if we don’t deliver both of them now, the two of you may not make it the rest of the night.”

I signed the consent forms as they prepped the OR. At 4:10 AM I delivered my beautiful twin girls. The OR is quiet, and then I hear my daughter softly cry out, as one of the nurses brings my other daughter for me to see. Zollie looked so perfect, sleeping. The NICU team rush her sister away as the doctors close up my stomach.

My body, my mind in a state of complete shock. The nurses take me to recovery and as soon as I was coherent they bring in my second angel baby, Zollie Rae. They take a pictures of her and I together and show me the pictures that were able to take of her and her sister together. They let me hold Zollie has I fell in and out of sleep.

This whole time my partner is at home our other two children wondering what is going on. I tried to keep in updated with texts and calls here and there but it was hard to communicate everything that was going on. Matt wasn’t able to come to the hospital until nearly noon.

Finally six hours after having my babies, I am able to go see my daughter in the NICU. Officially her name is Zesira Zellie Mae but the nurses and NICU team know her as Zellie. Despite everything, Zellie is doing well. She is constantly improving. Because of the distance between the hospital and my home after I was released, it was very difficult going to see her in the hospital.

The doctors and nurses said she was doing so much better than they expected. Everyday she would gain more weight or go down on her oxygen setting. We were every hopeful. Because we had been through all of this before we had decided not to hold Zellie until she was really strong enough, no matter how much we wanted too. On June 14, Zellie’s 37th day in the NICU, the doctor calls my phone and leaves a message. He says Zellie is ok but they want to run some tests and that we should come as soon as possible. We drop everything and go to the hospital. I ask my sister to meet us there so that she could take my other children to stay with her for the night. Everything happened so fast. I was visiting her the day before and she was doing great. That night I called and the nurse said she was being her feisty self. I called again in the morning before I went to work and the nurses said she a little bit tried but she had a bath that night.

Zellie started to code... the NICU team tried for over an hour to stabilize her. At 11:45 PM, Zellie took her last breath in my arms. That night Matt and I stayed at the hospital, slept with her in our arms and held her like we never would let go.

We are still waiting on the autopsy report to come back, it won’t change the fact that they aren’t here but knowing might make it hurt less. Who knows. It may not give us any answers.

My message to others who have lost a child, a toddler, a baby, an infant, or even a fetus. I want you to know that “THEY MATTER,” your child did exist. You are a mother.