For My Children

Letters from My Past, for Your Present

August 19

Sunday

It's about one in the afternoon…

This isn't some form of a diary, but a letter to you, only, it's from the past. I’ve been waiting for you for the longest time... since I was 16, maybe even before that. 

I can't confide to your father, for fear that I’ll be guilting him into having you, and I want us to both want you.

But enough of that, let's talk about now.

Right now I'm alone in the kitchen, sitting at the dinner table with a few slices of probably cold pizza. I've thought about writing to you for a while. Actually, I wanted to make some videos for you, so you can see what we looked like before you were born... maybe so you could understand that we were once young too; it took me years to grasp the idea that my parents were once my age.

Through my letters, I hope to not only be able to talk and maybe even vent a little bit with you, but to hopefully to teach you a few lessons. I'll never be able to teach you all at once, but I hope to help you, even in the moments when you're alone and angry with the world (including me), and maybe we can't talk about something face to face, but, through these letters, we can get to those "touchy" subjects.

So recently, your father and I were fighting almost constantly, it wasn't looking too good... It was looking like the end of our perfect little paradise. If there's one thing you should know about your mother, it's that I am stubborn, and I’ll always try to get my way. ALWAYS. I'm hard-headed and enough is just never enough for me; I honestly don't know when to quit; ask your dad, I really don't know when to stop.

I love your father, god, do I love him so. I love who he is and what kind of person he is now and who he will be, and everything that comes with it. Your father is so patient and kind; so everytime he wanted to break us up, I fought him so hard. I fought him and even if it was my fault for our fighting, I still held on. Things got better after one night when we stayed up late and talked it out...

We both love each other so much that it hurts us both to even think about splitting up or even being apart, and having arguments are just as painful. The silence you experience after having a fight with someone, while being in the same room as them, is so incredibly loud and filled with emotions. I absolutely hate that silence. 

At first, I thought I wasn't good enough for your father, that I was just a leech and holding him back... but like your grandmother says, “God gave us a mouth to talk about our problems and to express how we feel.”

I might've paraphrased a little, but that's close enough.

Anyways, we’re getting better... IMMENSELY better… and I’m telling you this because we may fight and be upset or angry, but, at the end of the day, we love each other and love you so much. We are gonna do our absolute best not to fight in front of you, but, keep in mind, we aren't perfect, but together, as a team, we are.

Now, don't get hurt, but these letters are for all of our children; you’ve gotta share them with your brothers and sisters, because we love them too. We’ve already named all of you; and whoever should get these first shouldn't spoil it for anyone else, but share your feelings with each other when the time is right.

Please know that at times I’m gonna be the “bad guy”: telling you to stop running, to take your medicine when you're sick, eat your veggies, and telling you “no” to sugary snacks. Look, it’s my job to be like that; it's a job no one but moms can do. I have the best interests for you, and I hope that you can see that.

I have to go my loves, I’ll write again soon.

—Mom

Now Reading
For My Children
Read Next
Shattered