First Year Survival Guide

Okay, first of all; there is no survival guide...

Seriously. I wasted too much money and time on baby books. Put them down. Throw them away. Or keep them to wipe your postnatal tears with, whatever. But they are useless. Fuck them off.

So I lied about the survival guide. But what I can tell you is how it really was for us and how we survived. Barely, at times. But still, we are here alive and well.

I am gonna skip the Labour and birth part. It's just shit but you can do it and will do it. You won't know how you did it but it will feel fucking amazing when you actually get that baby out. You will and should be proud. End.

Day One

We stayed in the hospital one night then transferred for a second night to a birth centre. I stupidly stayed awake the entire first night watching Charlie breathe. This ruined my brain and body for months... DO NOT DO THIS. You need to recover. Stay in the hospital until you are ready and please sleep while you can. Soon it will be but a distant memory.

Week One

So we came home. The three of us. Terrified. "How do we work this baby then Dan cos I don't have a clue?" Cue the first couple of hours sat watching him breathe some more. The day went. Nappies were changed. All relatively straightforward. Godliness started to set in. Are we good parents now? Is our baby just really good and content? Maybe my breast milk has magical powers.

Maybe not...

Bedtime

The first night was not great for us. Really it was terrible. At one point, in what felt like (and probably was) our fifth consecutive hour of taking turns to rock and soothe a hysterical baby; I placed a screaming Charlie on the bed and calmly told Dan, "I don't actually know what to do now."

We all ended up sleeping downstairs. Charlie on Dan's chest. I curled up on the little sofa after crying myself to sleep over my failures at being a Mother.

The rest of the week was okay. Aside from the first night's chaos, the first days at home are all a bit fluffy. Everything's lovely and you've got this soft little baby to cuddle whenever you want. People bring you food and cute outfits for the baby. The world even smells different that first week. Everything is just sweet. Embrace this time. Encourage visitors to help you in any way they can. I was lucky and well looked after.

Baby Blues/Anxiety/Stress/AHHHH

Okay. When you come off that cloud with a thump suddenly everything gets real, really quick. YOU need to look after this baby. They are completely floppy and useless, honestly. I severely underestimated the pressure I would feel under to get everything just right! Is he wearing enough layers? Is my deodorant going to give him asthma? Is he allergic to the cat? Should I change his nappy every 30 minutes? Is my boob going to suffocate him while he eats?

All genuine fears. All a little OTT.

When we took him in the buggy for the first time—just a five minute journey to the supermarket—I cried the whole way there. I was scared of everything around him. People were breathing on him. Pollution from the cars could be damaging his little lungs. A moderately snotty child walked within a metre of him. Little fucker.

This feeling did ease to some extent but worries for your baby tend to just change rather than disappear. I am a worrier by nature anyway so perhaps that contributed.

Daddy Time

This part's a bit of a minefield. You love your husband. Adore him. He's a great Dad so far... has changed the same amount of Nappies, clocked the same amount of cuddles, and been puked on extensively, just like you have. But...

You know best.

Not necessarily true but your brain will scream this at you every time he picks him up and every time he puts the nappy on slightly wonky. You will feel it. It's your instincts. Fight it when you can. Let Daddy do things his own way and try and remember different is not wrong. Daddy time is so limited in most cases. I really battled with myself every day to let them have their time and let Dan get the practice we both needed to feel confident with this little bean we brought home.

The Middle Months

People will tell you how fast it goes. All the time. It will get really annoying and you will want to shout "I KNOW!" but here I am telling you again... It will go really fast. You will look at your baby one day and all of a sudden, they will be just a little less floppy and helpless. Then one day they will do something totally crazy and roll over or giggle and you will lose your fucking mind over it. You will look at your husband and he will be losing it right there along with you. You will text your friends about it and they will be enthusiastic, although all the while probably thinking; "Are you guys okay?"

Surviving these months is about routine. NO. Not expecting your baby to be in a routine! Also a myth. Babies hate routine. They do this thing where they will humour you for a week or so. Seem to be getting it... go to sleep at the same time for a few nights perhaps... Then something will change. Be it teething or a developmental leap (download Wonder Weeks app for this, by the way. It's painfully accurate but at least you can see when you have a week or 5 from hell approaching), and that routine you so lovingly and painstakingly stuck to will go out the window. That's okay. You will adapt. But it's about finding your routine and your rhythm. Adapting to the new lifelong role you are committed to.

This portion of being a parent is also when you start to realise EVERYONE has an opinion on how you should raise your child. At this point, I have absolutely perfected the wide-eyed smile and nod. It says, "I'm interested and open to what you are saying" while my brain screams, "Please shut up."

You will get a lot of "Does he sleep through the night?" "No, and neither do I" is the simple answer to that. "Are you still breastfeeding?" "Yes, I am thank you." It took me months to embrace the way I wanted to raise Charlie and to stop worrying about everyone else's opinions but I can honestly say it was one of the most important steps I took to being a happier Mum. Do things the way YOU want to do them, not just the way everyone else seems to be.

The Last Quarter

You now are starting to have a little person where a baby used to be. This is exciting in a million ways and sad in just a few. They start to know what they want now but have to deal with the frustration of not being able to do a lot for themselves. This means you will have mini-tantrums as well as full-on meltdowns. It will be hard. Everything you say and how you react to them in certain situations will begin to impact how they are as a child. That is a lot of pressure. Again my advice here is just do what you feel. Try not to let outside influences sway you from how you want to be doing things.

They are going to amaze you with their speed of development now. Milestones will come thick and fast. With each one you see pass you will feel so proud but at the same time desperate to cling on to the little baby you are slowly losing. That sounds more depressing than I mean it to be but each thing he learns to do by himself is one less thing he needs you for. That has advantages and disadvantages!

Charlie is turning one.

My baby will be one next week. I have discussed with Dan how proud I am of us. Not only for the happy, funny and clever little boy we have somehow managed to keep alive and thriving this past year, but of us as a couple. It's difficult beyond measure when you are no longer are each other's priority. You understand but it's hard. We have to rely on each other more than ever but without being able to devote the same time as before. We give our little boy almost all of us and what's left we give each other. It's not a lot but somehow more than enough. We gave each other him after all.

This year has flown by. It's been harder than you can imagine. I've gained a new found respect for single parents too. I honestly don't know how I would have coped alone. How do you guys even shower?! But the rewards are worth the sufferance, I promise. At times you will wonder if you can carry on, if you are equipped, and if you are enough. I assure you that you are. Just getting up each day and devoting yourself to that little person is more than enough.

Just. Keep. Going.

We are doing great.