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Final Goodbye to a Soldier

Respect is Earned. So is Dishonor.

By Regan FreyPublished 6 years ago 13 min read
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This is strictly a letter to one man. Not all soldiers earn dishonor. Most Earn Respect.

Dear Dad,

I debated for a very long time whether or not to write you this letter, a letter that sadly comes to an end where we part ways. Honestly, I hope this letter brings you many tears that run past your chin, but I have come to expect less emotion from you. I realize that as we arrive to this point in both of our lives we have come to crave each others' presence less and less, and if there is one thing my mother has taught me in this life it is that it is okay. The saddest part is, my dad broke my heart before any boy had the chance to. I eventually decided to put as much effort into contacting and seeing you as you did with me—that’s why we don’t talk or see each other anymore. One day you’ll regret not being there. You’ll regret the birthdays and the holidays missed. You’ll regret not watching me grow up and not being in my life, you’ll regret everything and by then it will be too late. Even if you realized it as you read this letter, I will already be gone. One day I made the decision to move on without you. I just wish that day would have came the same day you realized you didn’t want to be around anymore. I would have cried a lot less tears, felt a lot less pain, and missed you a hell of a lot less. If I could show you how awful you made me feel, you would never be able to look me in the eyes again. I used to feel a rush of emotions when I thought about you, then I was simply numb, and now I hardly think about you at all. It’s sad how someone can go from being the reason you stayed up at night waiting for them to come home, to the reason you cried yourself to sleep so many nights.

The thing I hate the most isn’t you or what you did, I hate that I had to just sit and watch you hurt people I love. I watched my sister lose a piece of herself, and I heard her crying and breaking from the inside out. You don’t really understand pain until you feel it for someone else. That’s how I know my mother has felt true pain, because she feels it for me. I use to miss you, it used to hurt to miss you. I don’t know how many times I wished time could just rewind and pause, or that none of this ever happened; but it did, and today I am happy it did. I don't want to go back in time to something that feels fake now. Little did you know, how I was breaking while you fell asleep. Little did you know, I was haunted by the memories. Little did you know how many pieces of myself I had to pick up. But, I know your life went on while mine stopped dead in its tracks.

I remember when I was a little girl and you were overseas. You told me over a phone call to step outside and look at the stars. You then told me to find the brightest star in the sky and that you sent it to me. Every night we would look at the same star and realize that I didn’t have to be without my daddy and you didn’t have to be without your little girl. Today I look at the brightest star in the sky and know that if I ever become lost it will guide me home. I remember not being able to listen to the song “I’m Already There” because it made my sister cry. I just didn’t understand why at the time. Today I listen to the song and realize that the strong and brave person was at home raising two girls by herself. I remember the nights that you would be coming home from trips. I would sit in the dark looking out the window waiting for your car to pull in the driveway. When it finally did, I would race into bed, close my eyes and calm my breathing like I was asleep and again wait for you to quietly step in and give me a kiss. I couldn't tell you how many times I did this, but I can tell you every time I did I was the happiest girl in the world. Today, I am the happiest girl in the world. I look at my mother and all I can do is smile; she's my world, and I am hers. Anyone can have a child and call themselves “a parent.” A real parent is someone who puts that child above their own selfish needs and wants. I have come to see that being a parent is one of the greatest gifts. I have also come to see how many people abuse it and abandon it.

Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died from divorce, but it sure does feel like death when your dad leaves and is present for more of some other kids' life than his own. Than my own. I have come to be left out of your life, just as you have of mine. I decided to let go of what was hurting me the most, you decided to let go of your daughter who simply decided to be happy again. Some people believe that holding on and hanging in there are signs of strength. However, there are times in life in which it takes much more strength to just let go, to remove someone from your life you use to love with all of your heart. But I think, maybe, there is some validity in accepting that a part of me went with you, and a part of you stayed with me. You took a large part of my life that I won’t get back, and you left me without a father figure I could have a true relationship with. Looking at it now you left me with a lot more; wisdom and love. I now understand what it means to fall out of love with someone, I also know how to handle it better. You also left me a huge mess to clean up, seeing that you shattered my heart, it took some cleaning up. I had to rebuild myself. I had to find the missing piece. I had to lose some pieces that would only hurt to put back, because they simply didn’t fit anymore. I had to leave some spaces empty, that was the hardest part, that for a long time my heart wasn't full and some spots are still left empty. I eventually learned that was okay, because life always teaches us to be patient, something better will come along. If someone truly knows me, like my friends and my family does, you would understand the value of my heart. I am proud of my heart. It’s been played, stabbed, cheated, burned and broken, but somehow it still works. Despite what you have done to me, I still know how to love, how to trust. I taught my heart to beat without you, I taught my brain to go and go but not stop when a thought of you breaks in. I taught myself to move on, because in life when a young girl reaches a certain age she is able to think and act for herself. When a fourteen year old girl gets her heart broken and life turned around, she grows up and is forced to think for herself, and figure out how to live with less of someone who made her want to live. One thing you don’t realize is that no one understands my heart and my mind better than me, not even my mother. Sometimes I don't even understand myself, but that is okay. I am 18-years-old, but have had years forced onto my life that have aged me.

When I was 14-years-old I was given the best gift anyone could of given me. I was given a voice. I was given strength to think and speak for myself. To let my mind go in any direction, and always make myself be heard when people don't want to listen. It is quite sad that any human being can look at you and say what you did was okay, or validate your actions. The toughest thing to grasp was that your life could go on knowing you hurt the girls that were the only ones there for you when you came home. Sometimes it is like you died. The past three/four years have gone by so fast, you were there and then you weren’t, and like losing a loved one I was left to grieve and live with sadness and pain. It’s funny really, how it is so similar to that, because you're still alive. I am the type of person who has to believe in something, or I would lose my mind trying to figure out why this or why that happened. I choose to believe that everything happens for a reason. My world was beaten down just so you could find happiness with someone else… I better have something good waiting for me later in life.

I would love to spend the rest of this letter praising my mother, and how she helped me deal with the aftermath of August 2, 2013, but I would hate for that to sound like alienation, or that she has written me a type of script. You have been my father by law for 18 years, you have been my father by action and presence for less that half that all put together. I have full respect for the United States Army and what the job entails, trust me. I was raised around your lifestyle, but I have no respect for what you chose to do while wearing that uniform. I have my own morals and values that differ from other people in my household, you, and even family members I no longer have contact with. I have my beliefs that will differ from any judge you refuse to put me in front of. I will not sacrifice what makes me who I am. People would tell me all the time, “He’s still your dad.” People didn’t seem to realize that I’m still your daughter. The only thing people saw was how I acted and treated you, and not how you acted and treated me. That used to make me so angry, but then I realized people didn't see it because you are really good at putting on an act. One that you have perfected to show that you care, but you don't care. You have consistently tried to get out of being my father, so I finally decided to stop acting like a daughter you already had. I didn’t want to protect you or defend you, or relive a time of my life that left such a scare with any counselor again. I became my own person. I didn’t try to get back something that I never really had in the first place. I remember how the sound of your voice used to make me so happy, now it physically hurts to hear it. I remember when your voice made me calm and helped me sleep, now, hearing it makes my heart drop. I remember when you promised that you’d always fight for us no matter what, I guess you changed your mind. I loved you, you were my dad, but just like you, I fell out of love with someone who just didn’t make me happy anymore.

I just do it. I force myself to get up. I force myself to put one foot in front of the other and I refuse to let it get to me. I fight. I cry. I curse. Then I go about the business of living. That’s how I’ve done it. There’s no other way. I am in control. No one in this world can tell me what I can or cannot receive or achieve, what or how I should feel, or give me a timeline on dealing with the pain I have had and still suffer from because of you. It may take me another year, or it may take me five. You have hurt my family and me, you have jeopardized my future and my educational possibilities, and I am no longer working around you or your lifestyle. We all choose how to live our lives, that’s the beautiful thing about it. I don’t have to keep the people who hurt me around. I don't have to deal with pain every day. I can be happy. You choose to be a father. You choose to have that responsibility. I will no longer suffer the consequences of your actions. I refuse to suffer everyday. I will be fine without you, but I should never have to be fine without you. I surround myself with people I admire and and look up to. You are neither. At the age of 14, I was court ordered to have a relationship with a man I didn’t think was a good person. I was ordered to have a relationship with you, but I never really had one with you before that. I would say that is a tragedy.

I’ve dealt with my ghost and I’ve faced all my demons. I found strength in my moments of weakness. I forgive people, but that doesn’t mean I accept their behavior or trust them. I forgive them for me, so I can let go and move on with my life. But you, I will not forgive, I can only hope one day I forget. I don’t think you realize how sleepless nights can affect a person, or how overthinking slowly kills. I just needed you to see that I was hurting without me having to tell you, because my words were bleeding out of my mouth waiting for you to stitch me up and make me fine. But, that’s not your job, and I’m better off without you. I just need you to see me one last time. You cheated on your wife and left your family, you didn't love me enough not to, and you eventually showed me that. I am working on learning how to be whole and free within myself, and to acknowledge my broken pieces that are gone forever, manifest my own happiness, and succeed and fail gracefully. You were a chapter in my life, but you weren’t the whole book. Someday when the pages of my life come to an end, I know you will be one of the chapters with the happiest ending because I am free. I spent a long time searching for peace. With these thoughts and this goodbye peace finally finds me.

“I missed you until I realized there was never really anything to miss but the peace I felt before I knew you.” - r.h. Sin
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