Fighting for My Unicorn

Finding out you are pregnant is such a happy and joyous time. But what if it was also nerve wracking, or even a bit terrifying? All you have to do is get to that second trimester and you're safe, right? What if you couldn't feel safe until you were holding a living, breathing child?

The Backstory

I got pregnant with my first child at 25 and had him at 26. My ideal family was not an only child and a few years later I was pregnant again. I was so happy, aside from the constant puking.

At 5 months pregnant, my fairytale turned into a nightmare. I was bleeding. My husband was out of town as he was an over the road trucker. I called my neighbor and best friend. She wasn't home but rushed back to the apartment complex to drive me to the hospital.

At the hospital, I got a lot of silence. A silent ultrasound and I knew in that moment things had gone very wrong. After waiting for what felt like an eternity, the doctor came in. He had a solemn look on his face and in a rather callous manner, he stated, "Your baby is dead. The technical term is fetal demise but it means dead baby."

Because I was so far along, I had to deliver the baby. It did not go well and I hemmoraged and had to have a blood transfusion. Doctors said it was a rare fluke. I found no comfort in that. I wanted an answer. They had none.

The Loss Continues...

A couple of years later I got pregnant on accident. I was nervous after the loss I had been through but forced those fears deep down. This must have been meant to be. I went to the ER a couple of times when I didn't need to because I was nervous about something going wrong.

At 4 months, I was once again bleeding. It was my worst nightmare come true. I tried to stay calm as we rushed to the hospital. Once we were there, another silent ultrasound where I wasn't allowed to see the screen.

The doctor had more compassion this time. It didn't matter. The news was just as awful. And once again, it was a fluke with no answers.

I couldn't accept it. I needed answers. I had one healthy child with no complications. I was with the same man (my then husband) and we already had a child together. It can't be a fluke twice! I'm sure I was a nightmare patient. They finally agreed to run tests to try to get to the bottom of it.

A Diagnosis

After running all kinds of testing and over a year with no answer, finally there was something. All of the pieces of the puzzle started fitting together.

I have a genetic mutation known as MTHFR 1298C. Commonly, it is known as the mother f***er gene. I get the name.

Basically it does a lot of not nice things. It causes blood clots, like the one I passed which they believed was the placenta during the first loss. It prevents your body from being able to methelate vitamins (can't break them down so your body can use them). It makes it so the body can't rid itself of toxins and heavy metals. All kinds of fun stuff like that.

I did tons of research both medically and seeking out others with the same thing. Time after time I found women who had this happen to them 3 times, 9 times, 11 times. The outlook seemed bleak.

Then I found a group of women who had gotten to have their unicorn after so much loss. With blood thinners and aspirin, they were able to change their story. There was hope.

It won't be an issue.

My husband and I divorced. I met a wonderful man and I explained all of this to him. He was very supportive of me and told me he would love me either way. I appreciated that but felt broken. I was defective and it was taking away the life I wanted.

We got pregnant and when I went to the OBGYN and told him about the other losses and the mutation, he agreed with the other doctors and said these things happen. He would not treat me with blood thinners or aspirin because the MTHFR 1298C is not an issue in pregnancy.

I was a mess the beginning of that pregnancy. I was so worried it would happen again. Each loss was so hard on my body and meant months of bleeding and blood clots. I couldn't keep going through this.

A few days into the second trimester, I woke up and something wasn't right. I was dizzy. I had a headache I couldn't shake. Nothing helped either. I called and told them I needed to be seen today despite their resistance to do so. They got me in as the last patient of the day with a doctor in the practice, but not my doctor.

My partner had taken my son to the bathroom while the doctor was doing the ultrasound. The doctor had left the room afterward without saying anything. He was waiting for my partner to come back. He was afraid I would break. He only wanted to have to say this once. The baby measured right to the day where I was at in my pregnancy and was deceased. He volunteered to put me under to get the baby out the next day if I wanted to get it over with or a week later if I wanted my doctor to do it. I asked him to do it for me.

They sent me to the hospital for an ultrasound to check for blood clots in my legs. My doctor met us there. He said that he was sorry this had happened but that these things happen. He told me the statistics on how many pregnancies just aren't viable for one reason or another. I had heard it all before. Then he had the audacity to say that his wife had lost a pregnancy the previous year and he just didn't get what the big deal is. He didn't understand why it was so hard for women. If I didn't already hate him, that was the icing on the cake.

Now or Never

I was very bitter that the doctor hadn't listened to me. I got my primary care physician to refer me to a hematologist. I got the most wonderful hematologist. She ran more tests and said that even if I didn't have the MTHFR 1298C gene mutation, being on aspirin and blood thinners often helps women with recurrent miscarriage or fetal demise have a successful pregnancy. She didn't understand why my OB was so resistant. Since I couldn't get a new OB due to my insurance and having no other options in the area, she would treat me with blood thinners.

I went through a period of allowing my red blood cells to recoup from the loss of the last pregnancy and then the hematologist said it was time to try for a baby. The risk would only be greater if I waited. It was now or never.

A few weeks after that I lost feeling in my left arm. I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. That was it. That was my sign I did not get to be a mom again. I wondered why God was punishing me. If I was somehow a bad mother. A week after my MS diagnosis, my period was late. I was pregnant.

My Unicorn

I had to be on aspirin and daily blood thinner injections that I went to twice daily at the end of my pregnancy. I also had started an injection for my MS. The doctor had me start taking aspirin as well. It was hard doing that many injections every day and my body was covered in bruises from them.

IT WAS ALL WORTH IT! I was worried the whole pregnancy but nine months later, I was holding my miracle. I finally felt "safe." As I was being discharged, another doctor in my doctor's practice (I never saw my doctor during my three day stay) told me she did not approve of the blood thinners as there is no evidence that MTHFR needs treatment in pregnancy and she needed me to know that it was not the recommendation of the American OBGYN something or other.

I was not nice to her. Three times I left without a baby in the bassinet. Through persistence and fighting, this time was different. This time I had the unicorn I had fought so hard for.