Feeling Like Mom And Dad

You know how they say "it takes two to make a baby." Well, that part is most certainly true but what if that's the only part where the two actually work together? Then there's trouble. I've been with my fiance since we were 16 years old. We have two beautiful children and one on the way. Since I was pregnant with our son he has been there but not been there. Let me explain to you what I mean: when I was 3 months pregnant with our son he went to jail over something very stupid and had to do 8 months. So by the time he got out, our son was already 2 months old. He was so happy and excited. He took his role very seriously...for about a month.

After that first month he kinda sorta acted like an "uncle". What I mean by that is that because of the simple fact that he is so used to having nieces and nephews he got hooked on the idea that just as long as their parent(s) are around, he doesn't have to do anything. Only thing is that HE DID THIS WITH HIS OWN CHILD. If I was awake, or in both of their presence at the same time, Tabias (my fiance) would literally not even look our son's way when he made any type of noise because in his head it's like "his mom is right there so I'm off duty". No, no, no buddy. This is OUR baby. Not just mine. So I would talk to him about it and he would get a little better then go right back to it.

Then we had our baby girl Ay'vah. The pregnancy was the worst because I had to work two jobs just to provide for myself and our children while I was pregnant. Tabias wasn't working because the type of house arrest he was on strictly said HOME ONLY. I was always exhausted, aggravated, irritated, you name it. And he could never understand why. In my head, everytime he would ask me "why are you always angry?" I would automatically get pissed and say "Really? Is that a serious question?". I was so happy once I had Ay'vah because I could get back to my regular self. So Tabias FINALLY got off of house arrest and got a job. I thought things would get better for us but instead, it turned from 75-25 to 100-0.

He felt like because he had a job that he did not have to help me with the kids WHAT SO EVER. I mean don't get me wrong, if he was working a job that paid like $15-$16/hr and I didn't have to work to help pay our bills then, by all means, I would be that stay I home mom that he thinks I am in his head. But Nooooooo honey, I was making more than you so chill your Cheetos! Lol. But anyways things started to get worse between us because we weren't seeing eye to eye AT ALL. He ended up going to jail again so now I had no choice but to be mommy and daddy again. It was hard only because my kids are so used to having both parents around so it's like they got used to being able to have their individual time with each of us but now it has to be cramped up with just me.

I ended up having a mental melt down while at my second job and I got fired. My mom recommended that I go down to Henderson behavioral health to start talking to a therapist. So I did. It was the best thing I could have ever done. Although they diagnosed me with severe bipolar disorder, the medication and therapy worked like a charm. So he got out of jail. I had a serious talk with him about helping with the kids like a FATHER, not a step father, uncle, cousin, family friend, but a FATHER. Of course, he got mad but he said that he would step up and really change so I said okay. Things were going great FINALLY! Things were going so good that I decided to go back to school to get my high school diploma and become an MA. But then one day, he just stopped. It was like he was on pause or something. I couldn't figure it out. We split up because I was just tired of the inconsistency. He ended up going to jail AGAIN! Now I'm like this is not fair to the kids or to me. I ended up having to go and live with my mom and her then boyfriend. I hated it there. I don't like living with people at all. I would rather work hard to pay my own bills so that I don't have to deal with anyone's attitude but my own.

I had to stop going to school because my grandma was charging me $175 a week for her to watch my kids and I had to pay my mom's boyfriend $200 a month for living there. I was barely able to keep diaper money in my pockets. He got out of jail and had nowhere to stay so my aunt let him crash at her house. He wasn't working so he watched the kids while I worked. Some time went by and he ended up getting another job and he was doing great with helping with the kids so we ended getting back together. We ended up moving in with my sister and her baby daddy to help them pay a couple of bills and because it was more convenient for us than my aunt's house. I quit my job because there was too much drama at work so I kept the kids while he worked. Things were 50-50 all the way up until tax time. He couldn't file his taxes so we were depending on my tax refund to get us back in our own place. It came and went faster than you can say Jumanji! The only thing I have to show for it is my car, sad to say.

So now we are sleeping in my step dad's living room with our two kids, I just found out 2 months ago that I'm expecting which I am not happy about. He's the only one working right now because I'm 8 months now and we don't have not even a DIME saved towards getting into our own place. He goes to work and comes home, eats, takes a shower and goes right to sleep. No help what so ever. At times I wish I would have held back on saying yes to marrying him. That's the main reason why he's still my fiance and not my husband yet. We are only 20(me) and 21(him) but he needs to learn how to be the bread winner and a father all at once. Maybe then I'll actually go through getting married and everything. Until then, you guys just pray for me because I'm like Malcolm in the middle right now. Wish me luck y'all!