Expecting Number 2

I felt it.

Even before I saw those two red lines in the pregnancy test kit, I had that instinct that I am once again growing another human inside my belly.

Pregnant again! What have I done? I felt my tears roll down my cheeks. I was overcome by a myriad of emotions. I did not even recognise what I felt.

An Emotional Battle

Please understand my frustration. By the time I knew I was expecting my second child, my first born was still seven-months-old. I was just starting to rebuild the self image and self identity that I have lost. Literally, I was just growing back the hair that I lost after those post pregnancy hormones kicked in. I was just starting to fit into my old clothes again, which I thought was an achievement! But there I was, staring in denial at the two red lines.

Denial. This was my first escape. I thought I just did the pregnancy test wrong. Well, it took a little longer for the second red line to appear, and it was not as clear as the first one. I Googled my way to every possibility a pregnancy test could go wrong. Convinced that the test was wrong, I never even had the courage to repeat it, because I was scared to prove myself wrong. It took me four weeks to finally accept the reality. There wasn't any need for another test because my body couldn't deny it anymore. The next thing I knew, I was all consumed by guilt.

Guilt. I felt guilty about not being the best mother I can be. I felt guilty about not being happy right upon knowing I was pregnant for the second time around. I felt like I was being horrible to my second baby. I knew I wasn't ready, but it doesn't mean she's unwanted. Similarly, I felt guilty to my first born because I seemed not to be able to give her all the care that she deserves. With all the morning sickness and fatigue that come along with pregnancy, there wasn't much enthusiasm left in me whilst I was looking after her. It made me feel inadequate which led me to my next emotional battle.

Anxiety. Being anxious is draining. I spent almost the whole of my day worrying and crying over things that haven't happened yet. Because of this, I failed to appreciate the beauty of the present. "How would I be able to manage looking after two infants?" "How would I be able to take care of the house, my husband, and myself?" These sort of questions haunted me like ghosts.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

My emotional battle was exhausting. It almost sucked the life out of me. But just like a hero in an action movie, I had to bear all the beatings before I rise once again and emerge victorious. It was like travelling through a dark tunnel in a roller coaster. The screaming and shuddering are but a part of what make the ride exciting. The light at the end of that tunnel is more than just a symbol of hope. It is a hallmark of strength.

A Matter of Faith

How did I make it through? You might ask. My answer is faith. I had faith in myself, I had faith in people, and I had faith in life. I honestly wanted to give up, but I realised that there are people who depend on me, my family especially. I cannot let them down simply because I feel defeated. The people I love were my source of all good things that I needed—support, love, understanding, and inspiration. Because of them, I had faith that I can do so much more and that life is beautiful despite all its imperfections.

Never face a battle alone. Open your eyes and heart to the people around you who care. They are the real superheroes here on Earth. Don't be afraid to seek and accept help, and never hide those fears and sadness behind a smile.

As you read this, imagine me writing this while I lie down beside my snoring baby and struggling to find the best position for my growing bump. Nevertheless, I lie happy and contented. I have the greatest joys of my life, my children. I certainly can't wait to see baby number two! I know I would have my hands full when that time comes, but I am willing to take that roller coaster ride through the tunnel again. This time, with a much tougher heart.