Expectations, Hurt & Understanding: A Vicious Cycle

You wake up in the morning and start your day like any other. You get your coffee and head to work. You think it is going to be a normal day and then your phone goes off and you receive a text message. Whenever you receive a text message from that individual, your heart kind of sinks into your stomach. You never know what to except and you are always hoping for a good text or a nice text. 99.9% of the time you do not receive the text you are looking for. Today, when you received that text message, nothing was different. Although, this time it hurt you a little more than usual and unfortunately the text is from your mother.

An important event is coming up in your life and you want nothing more than to share that with all of your friends and family. You are graduating with your Master's Degree. Your mother decides to have a conversation with you that leads to her expressing she is not going to attend because there will be other people she does not like there. Your heart and soul truly hurt. You feel lonely and just want to understand how someone could treat their daughter like you have been treated your whole life. You always tell yourself that you should not be getting your hopes up and have any sort of expectation toward her, but you just want to see and hope for the best. But there is not a time where you don't end up disappointed and hurt.

A vicious cycle can be described as somewhat a series of mutual cause and effect where two or more parts intensify and aggravate each other and in the end make the situation worse. That is exactly what this cycle is between my mother and I. It has been this way since I can remember and only has got worse over the years. Whenever there is a glimpse of hope and change, it slowly fades away and the cycle continues. How she treats me gets worse and more heartless and it is like I am not even her daughter. Unfortunately there are other people in my mother's life that are more important and some she would drop everything for and drive anywhere for, but I am not that person. I will truly never understand why and what I did wrong but I have come to the realization that I cannot change the situation or her.

A mother is supposed to be a loving and caring woman who does everything they can for their child. Love them, respect them and always be there for them. A mother is not supposed to put their child down and make them feel like a piece of shit. Not supposed to not talk to them for months because they spoke to someone you did not like. A mother is not supposed to make their child feel like they are not good enough every day of their life. But all of these "supposed to" statements don't make it guaranteed that it will happen. For all of you out there who have mothers like I am describing, my heart goes out for you. And for those who have a very difficult time understanding and grasping the concept of having a mother like this, you will never understand and that is okay. Just take the time to respect those people who you do not understand and accept them where they are.

I have been told many times that I should not give up and that I am being dramatic and things have never really been that bad. Take a step into my shoes and go for a little walk. Within the first 2 minutes, you will want to jump right now and back into your life with your own mother. When you already don't have a father in your life and all you have ever wanted was a real mother, a real relationship with her and to be treated like a real daughter who is loved, days are tough when you receive those horrible texts that once again hurt you and let your expectations down.

I always say that today is the day where I don't let her effect me anymore, but that day has yet to come. I am hoping this day will come soon and that I am strong enough to let her go and continue to live my life without the expectations, hurt and wanting to understand why she acts the way she does and says the things she does. But until that day, I will continue to be the kindhearted woman that I am and work my ass off to make the best life for myself and continue to make my father proud. Because although he is not around, he still continues to watch over me and care more about me than my mother ever has and ever will. I will continue to live and learn and the one thing I will always thank my mother for, is showing me the kind of mother I will NEVER be to my children. Someday I will have my own children and there is no doubt in my mind I will be the most amazing mother to them. So again, thank you mom for teaching me what not to do and who not to be.