Everyone Else Was Grieving

Everyone else was grieving. I wasn’t. Who would have thought that the daughter of the man who died was not grieving? When it came time to say my final goodbyes, I stood by his grave. I stood by my family and friends... and I cried. Months go by, I am okay. I can do it. I can survive. Yet on days like today, I wake up with a hole in my heart and what feels like a bag of bricks sitting on my chest. Many times at night, I stare out the window, perfectly angled to see the moon. I know my father is always looking over me but that is not what bothers me. Is he proud of who I am? Is he mourning with me? I may not know those answers but what I do know is that I am trying my damn hardest just to get up and even take a shower. Even if getting out of bed for fifteen minutes, and I MEAN only fifteen minutes, then I can be proud of myself for taking a step towards a stronger tomorrow.

It doesn’t really help that so many people tell me that it NEVER gets easier. I keep wanting to hold on to the memory of my father. He was my superhero, if you ask me. He moved mountains so I can do what I want to do. I witnessed my dad fight tooth and nail just to see me smile. I remember the Christmas when my dad brought up a Barbie Jeep into our second story apartment. He would stand in line at midnight premieres just so he could get my brother the newest game. I never knew there were so many layers to this man that I called a father. “I like music that excites me and makes me feel something.” We would always share music on our car rides. It usually started with a Disney movie, like Tarzan... "You’ll Be in My Heart'; that was Phil Collins. Perhaps it was "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" by Sir Elton John. Either way, my father was always teaching me something new.

For the people that knew my father, they knew him as “the walking encyclopedia.” Growing up, I could never just take a “regular” vacation... instead, we would go to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania for a few days, learn about the Civil War, only after a few days of learning, I get to go to Hershey Park for a day and a half. I never knew how much those trips meant to me until we couldn’t go anymore. In high school, he helped my boyfriend at the time pass his final. My dad could win almost any trivia show if he wanted to. Even when I would play trivia games on my phone, I knew I could always give a shout for my dad and he will tell me the right answer without reading the choices.

Growing up you never want to hear your parents go on rants on anything (well, at least I hated it). I could never explain to you in a list of all the things he taught me. But I can tell you how he made me feel invincible, smart, dependable, crazy at times, if I'm being truly honest. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, rumors, grudges, fights, so much screaming so often. No matter what went wrong I always knew that I could depend on my father.

When I was thirteen, he took me to a “screamo” concert. We walked around on the July day; it had to be about 95 degrees. I was burning up, my dad kept yelling at me to drink enough water. I never knew how someone could be so annoying when it came to water. Little did I know, my love of music and concerts would follow me. I ended up attending concerts in Philadelphia, and even New York City, on my own. Every time I go to a concert, I make sure that I always drink enough water. Funny how parents know what they’re talking about, huh?

When I was fifteen and sixteen, I fell in love with the most toxic person I have ever encountered in my life. Almost two years later, the only one who could have saved me was my dad. He did save me, along with my mental health and physical safety. I never knew love until my dad showed me it. My father never once stopped showing me all the love he could possibly give. I don’t think he could have even if he really wanted to.

How do you live without the ones who mean the most? How do you wake up every day and know that my father's bed is empty? How do you cope every day when his prized possession (a.k.a. Bella the cat) cries at night because she knows he’s gone? How do you breathe without pain engulfing every part of you every second of every day?

I may not know all the answers right now, but learning them all on my own is terrrifying. My best friend no longer walks this earth right beside me but, in my heart, in my soul, in my everyday thoughts as well.

Everyone else was grieving because a great man was gone. I was grieving because I knew the greatest man I will ever know wasn’t going to come home again.