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There was baby’s mama drama surrounding a guy I dated years before. My ex-boyfriend had kids by an ex-wife as well as an ex-girlfriend. I had known several women whose lives had been inconvenienced by the constant wrath of the moms their boyfriends or husbands had left behind. Fortunately, the only issues I had to deal with were minor. But after that relationship ended, I avoided men with children, because usually there was a resentful mom in the picture. My temperament was not going to tolerate interference from a woman who refused to recognize the need to move on from the man I was currently seeing. Nor was I going to put up with disrespect out of a man’s children.
I advise any woman who wants to take a chance on a relationship with a baby’s daddy to keep these in mind:
1. Go by what you see, not what you hear.
A guy will say, “I only keep in contact because we have the kids together.” However, if the guy is always over at the baby’s mama house as well as hanging around with her elsewhere, it’s time to question why...especially if their breakup was recent. Don’t always buy that the visits have something to do with the kids. Residual feelings are very real.
2. Note interruptions and how he handles them.
Just as you all are sitting down to a nice dinner, getting ready to walk into the hottest concert in town, or starting out on a day trip, his phone rings. It’s the baby’s mama, of course, and she always manages to call at the right time to ruin a good time. Is it a legit concern that has to be taken care of immediately, or just another round of petty complaining? Does he deal with it smoothly or does his tone with her indicate “I give in” each and every time? If this is not handled correctly, the new girlfriend will always have to put up with being inconvenienced and bowing her to her demands.
3. Find out what the rules are about the kids.
In an ideal situation, the guy and the baby’s mama have had a conversation about who should and should not be around their kids. That conversation should also have included guidelines on where the kids are allowed to visit. Instead, it is discovered after the fact that the baby’s mama had rules that the man didn’t know or that she thought he should have known. She has cursed the man out and perhaps his new love, too, causing tension all around.
4. Check how much he’s telling.
There are horror stories about baby’s mamas showing up at the houses and jobs of their exes’ new loves to start arguments or worse. The baby’s mama doesn’t need to know the business of the new girlfriend’s life unless she’s going to become a stepmother to her kids.
5. Like doesn’t have to be there, but respect does.
Grumbling behind the new girlfriend’s back is to be expected when one woman believes she has been scorned. However, some baby’s mamas love an audience. They will get up in the new girlfriend’s face and make sure the man is a witness to it. A woman should question a man who will allow his ex to publicly disrespect her and do little to nothing about it. A lot of men don’t want to be in arguments between women, but a line needs to be drawn.
6. Watch the other actors in the play.
It goes without saying that the kids will have loyalty to their mama. But remember kids under 18 years of age don’t make or give rules. Consider it a red flag if the dad does not immediately step in and correct their behavior. There may be a point when the kids will warm up to dad’s new girlfriend, but don’t bet on it. That is especially true is their mama is projecting her negative thoughts about the girlfriend onto the kids. The kids' disrespect may be a permanent part of the story if the relationship turns into a marriage.