Don't Be Like Me

The day I found out about you was one of the most emotional days of my life. I was so young. And you were so unexpected.

I was caught up in the wrong world with the wrong boy. My head was in the clouds and there was no bringing me down.. or so I thought.

The following weeks I was faced with sickness, extreme morning sickness. Even the thought of you didn’t seem to change my young dumb ways. I was addicted to the thought of you but something had me more addicted.

That evil white powder that ruined all our lives. It was killing us all slowly and we didn’t do nothing to stop it. We did nothing to save you. And when I see you again no words could possibly be said to right my wrongs..

I was 20 weeks when I found out you were a girl. I was so excited. I imagined my future and giving birth to my best friend. I imagined tucking her in at night and crying her first day of kindergarten. I imagined being at her big beautiful wedding and getting to watch her marry the love of her life. But two weeks later I found out I will never get to do any of those things.

Placental abruption is what they called it. When the placenta detaches from the wall and usually heavy bleeding occurs. I sat down to use the bathroom around noon on September 15th. Instead of my usual flow of urination I was met with bright red blood and instantly I knew something wasn’t right. I cried my whole way to the hospital. My heart already knew what the doctors confirmed later that night. I was going to loose you. But no one but us knew it was all my fault.

You see in the state of South Carolina if your baby is born premature before 24 weeks they will not try to resuscitate. I was 22 weeks exactly. Only 14 days away. Only 14 days.. 2 weeks. 2 more weeks and we may have been able to save you. Oh what a cruel and fucked up world we live in if someone can watch a baby die. Not just any baby. My baby. My beautiful Angel baby.

Within the next week I went from anticipating my daughters birth to planning her funeral. It didn’t just break my heart. It broke your grandma and grandpas heart. It broke your uncle’s heart oh how they were so ready to be uncles for the first time. We buried you and life went on, even though I just knew it wouldn’t. Its crazy when someone dies and are buried. All that’s left to speak to is a cold lonely headstone. Everything continues just the way it used to. But not my heart. My heart never healed.

Who do I blame? Myself. I blame myself every single day. If I wouldn’t have been so childish and so stupid maybe you would have had a chance. But you didn’t. And this time there were no second chances.. I just hope it didn’t hurt. Falling asleep with a nice warm baby and waking up with a cold pale bundle is something you will never forget. Sometimes I wish I could. Maybe if I could just forget every thing it wouldn’t hurt as bad. How could I choose drugs over my unborn child? I guess the way an alcoholic chooses the bottle or a junkie chooses the pipe or a needle.. I’m so sorry I’ll never be able to apologize enough. I sit here every single day thinking of you.

Sometimes I'm ok. But most days I am not. It hurts knowing you ended someones life when it could have been saved. It's a hard pill to swallow. But i reswallow it every single day.

Hopefully you would be proud of me. If you can see me. If you were here you would have two sisters. After I left your father in order to get my life back on track, I changed. I changed a lot and it was a good change. I stopped doing drugs and I stopped drinking. And I haven’t returned. I haven’t gone back to that no matter how tempting. I stay at home everyday and make sure your sisters are taken care of and loved. Oh how I wish I could see what you would be like playing with them today. The day will come when they ask about "that baby’s" picture on the wall. "Who is she mommy?" They will ask. And I will tell them even though it will hurt. You lived. You did exist. So they will know and i bet they will love and miss you as much as I do.

If your stuck right now. If your battling any type of addiction please reach out for help. Because there is help. Someone somewhere cares about you or at least your well being. Don’t be like me. Don’t let drugs take your heart. Or your mind. And defiantly don’t let it take your children. You Will regret it. You’ll regret it every single day. Don’t be like me. Don’t bury your baby if you don’t have too.