Divorce

My marriage of seven years ended this past October. We were supposed to be forever. I thought we were happy. We had a beautiful family together. I didn't realize it was all a lie. Turned out he had multiple relationships throughout ours, starting while we were dating. One of his many girlfriends was his brother's girlfriend. Who does that to family? I realized we were done when he took a trip to see his current girlfriend on Mother's Day. While he was gone I did some digging. That's when I found all the messages from one of the girls. I immediately found a lawyer.

For the next year there was a lot of arguing about what he wouldn't do. Child support, alimony, counseling so we could learn to talk to each other for the sake of the kids. He wasn't willing to make anything better for anyone. I stayed optimistic, hoping he would eventually see the damage he'd done. Our oldest (ten years old at the time) ended up seeing a counselor to learn to deal with the change. The youngest (four years old at the time) remained clueless. The court makes us do a week on, week off with custody in which the children nor myself like. They always come home saying how much they wish they could just stay with me. That their dad is mean or that he doesn't really do anything with them. The only time he shows he cares is when his girlfriend is around. Then he becomes this caring dad. My children see right through it. It angers me that he would treat them with no respect, but he does the same to me.

This week's argument is about the holidays. I gave him Thanksgiving but he chose to spend it with his girlfriend, which of course upset the kids. Now, for Christmas, the kids and I are supposed to be surprising my mother with a visit. She recently had major surgery with complications. Her next surgery is in January. When we were in court, I brought up the trip and he agreed I could take them with me. On record. We then discussed it with our lawyers in which he continued to agree I could take them. Today he's saying I can't. Even with the possibility that my mother may not make it through surgery next month. This trip was supposed to give her a reason to fight, to be here on earth longer. Seeing their faces and how this divorce hasn't dulled our sparkle, even though it truly has. We are stuck with the narcissistic ego of a man not willing to do any good for others, only thinking about himself. How much more can we take before we fold under pressure?

I want my kids to love their father and want to be around him, but seeing how he treats me and them, it's hard to ignore his blatant disregard for anything that might make them happy. My oldest is constantly asking if she can just stay with me. The youngest will do the same sometimes when she's really missing me, which is halfway through the week. It's like they can only take him in small doses. I've grown to not even be able to look at him. He's changed, and not for the better.

There was once a time when I thought he hung the moon, when I would have done anything to make him happy. Looking back, I can see where he didn't think the same of me. It was only last year when I learned he was only with me out of obligation. You see, we dated for six months before I got pregnant. He wanted to abort but because of how I was raised, I couldn't. This was a life we created. So we broke up and I went through my first pregnancy alone at 20. My mother was with me when I gave birth. I did have a friend call him to inform him of the birth of his first child. He never visited. It wasn't until said child was a little over a year old before they met, and that was because I filed for child support. He smooth-talked me out of it and would visit a few days a week for an hour at a time. Then he asked if we wanted to live together as a family because he truly wanted his family together. He told me he loved me. Of course by this time we had started sleeping together again, so we moved in together and did the family thing for two and a half years before getting married, found a house and moved in three days before the wedding. It was another two years before we had our second child and finally went on our honeymoon at my request. Paid for by me, also. We didn't argue too much, had a healthy sex life (at least six times a week), we both worked to provide for our family. I don't remember how many times his friends would say they were jealous that he had a wife who liked working a full-time job and taking care of the house and her husband, because that was what made me happy. If my family was well taken care of and happy, then I was, too. But he was just playing a part.

In the beginning of or separation, I told him he should be an actor because he sure had me fooled, but as I look back now, I see what I didn't want myself to really see or question. Like the times he had to work late but wasn't getting paid for it, or the constant texts and phone calls. And then there's the time he took me out for my first drink post-second baby. The waitress was an acquaintance through a friend who mentioned he knew where she lived. It flew over my head. Mommy brain, I guess. And the time he said he was meeting his brother's girlfriend for drinks to discuss how she could make their relationship better. I did include myself on that one. I may have foiled that night, but he still managed somehow to get her in bed. I missed a lot of his faults being naïve. Well, now I know not to make those same mistakes, and never to trust a word that comes from his mouth.

My hope is that, one day, someone will show him the error of his ways. How he could have done better or been a better person. If not for me, then for our kids. Because as of now, they have no clue what to look for in a good man. Watching and listening to their father over the years and throughout this divorce has scarred them. My oldest wants to be accepted by anyone, including the kids who bully her at school. She has a soft heart and wants to be everyone's friend. I tell her "You can be nice to everyone, but not everyone is your friend." I try and show her the love she's missing out on when she doesn't feel her dad cares. I talk with her and encouraging her to always be nice and speak her mind. She's still working on the "speak your mind" part with certain people.

I guess, in the end, divorce is supposed to be hard. You can be optimistic about all outcomes, but there is always that one chance that something goes wrong. Dealing with my ex has shown me that no matter how much I try, he will always be heartless. He will only think of himself. To him, his happiness comes first, but to me, my family comes first. Being everything that they need to get through this is my job. Showing them love when they don't feel it, and continued faith that eventually things will change for the better.