Distractions

I didn't look for them. God knew what I needed so he sent me distractions. And yes they helped me deal. I had so much to deal with, parents dying, nowhere to live, sad all the time, empty inside. I was depressed, sad and lonely. I felt like an orphan. My life as I had known it was gone, replaced by this weird existence. I wasn't living life, I was merely going through the motions. You know, wake up, get dressed (maybe), eat (maybe), brush teeth, cry, go on computer look for something, anything to distract me from the pain, the anguish I was feeling. Strangely enough, social media did help. I spent a lot of time looking at my computer screen trying to lose myself in other people's dull and boring lives.

No one knows what to say when someone you love dies. I preferred the quiet. There was no need to say to me how sorry you were to hear. I preferred solitude. I had always liked being alone. Most people couldn't possibly understand what it was I was experiencing unless it had happened to them. So I did not fly into fits of rage when hearing insensitive words thrown at me. It will be all right. You will be fine. Your mom and dad wouldn't want you feeling this way. I assume words sent to me to give me courage, I needed to find my own way. Leave me alone. Let me deal with it alone.

My mom died first, in her sleep. Peaceful death I assume, I hope. She and I were very close. She called me her best friend. Now, I know she was mine. I was going to school in another community about an hour away when it happened. I felt guilty for a long time that I wasn't there for her. I went home that same day and curled up on her bed and wept. The funeral was difficult but I think I was still in shock and the full enormity of what had happened had not hit me yet.

It didn't hit me until my dad died sixty-four days later. He died of a broken heart. I was there by his hospital bed when he opened his beautiful blue eyes for the last time, reached out his hand, maybe to Mom, maybe to Jesus, took his final breath and went to join his wife. At his funeral, I realized finally that I was alone, not in the sense of family, I have six siblings, but alone in my grief. Looking down at the graves made me realize finally what had happened. My parents were dead. Gone.

I believe in Heaven. I believe my parents are up there smiling down on me. I feel it, you know in my heart. I don't think I would have made it through if I hadn't had Heaven as a distraction. Believing my parents were happy there eased the pain somewhat.

Someone once told me that I should be over their deaths within six months. Six months! Obviously, this person had never lost anyone. It has been six years and I still have my moments when I cover myself with my grief. I cry still. Each person is different when it comes to grieving. No one way is the right way. What I like to tell people who are going through a similar situation is "It takes as long as it takes." Don't allow people albeit with good intentions to rush you through the grieving process. Listen to your heart. Take the time needed. And find your own distractions to help you through one of the worse things that can happen, losing someone you love.