Dear Mum

Dear Mum,

I used to think I’d never change you for the world. I’d look up at you and think you were the best mum in the world. But when I was 13, that began to change.

I still thought you were the greatest mum, just things started going wrong. I was worried about you all the time and I became your mum. You used to scream at me when I said that but you couldn’t cope. You were my child and I looked after you all the time.

I remember the days you wouldn’t get out of bed because the world just seemed too hard. I remember trying to cook dinner every night, do all the housework, pack the lunches all while trying to keep on top of homework. But you didn’t want to be left alone. You wanted me with you all the time and I saw our lives deteriorate around us. I watched you try to take your life many times because you felt life was just too hard. Each time I would ask myself why Maisie and I were not enough. Were your children not reason enough to live? We adored you and yet still it didn’t feel like we mattered as much. You used me as a punching bag for your anger and I took it because you needed a release and I thought it would make you better. Maybe you’d stop hurting yourself if you hurt me instead. It didn’t work though.

I know dad left and that must have been hard for you but it was hard for me too. I was still just a child wondering if my daddy still loved me. You told me he didn’t. He’d come back to see me and Maisie and you told me he loved her more. He hadn’t wanted me, I was a mistake so I could never live up to his expectations.

I believed you for a very long time so when you took him back I couldn’t understand why you would pick a man who didn’t love me instead of me. It hurt me so much when you’d still tell me I wasn’t good enough for him, yet you wouldn’t leave him because you loved him.

Then you found someone else three years after he’d returned. Dad had proved his love to you in every way he could. He’d paid off all your debts, taken you wherever you wanted, did everything he could possibly think of to show you he would never go again. So you cheated. Not just once but with lots of men because you told me you found him repulsive. After everything you’d said to me, making it seem like he was more important you left him.

You began to depend on me again and when your new love went south you became the woman 13-year-old me had to look after. I tried again to look after you but again I started to fall behind in class, I stopped leaving the house and you began to drive a wedge between me and dad, who I was finally starting to rebuild a relationship with.

So when dad asked me to stay I couldn’t say no. I needed to prioritize myself for once. Dad let me be a normal teen. I could go to parties, I could keep up my studies and I could come home to a clean house and someone else had cooked my meal.

I don’t know if you realize how angry you got when I told you I wasn’t coming with you. I was so afraid that I locked myself in my room, crying, texting friends asking them if I could stay at theirs until you were gone. Yet still, you persisted, banging on the door, trying to knock it down so you could get in, screaming insults at me. I couldn’t take it anymore. I wondered whether it was worth continuing. If I killed myself everything would be easier because I wouldn’t have to deal with you.

I’m sorry I thought that. It was a horrible thing to think, but since I’ve cut you from my life it’s been so much better. I can see my friends now, who let me talk about my problems instead of just talking about their own all the time. I can hang out with my dad, who it turns out I have a lot in common with. And I don’t have to worry about what abuse I will suffer because things aren’t going the right way.

When I see my friends with their mums or when I see happy mums and daughters on the TV I do get sad. I think what I want is one of those types of mums in general and not the one I had. Of course, I do still miss you sometimes and I think I always will because you were the biggest part of my life for so long. But now I’m going to be the person I always wanted to be and to do that I have to let you go.

I hope you’re happy, although I don’t think you ever can be but I hope you find someone who could make you happier than I ever could. I’m sorry that I don’t still think you’re the world’s best mum but I do hope that one day, when you’re better, we could maybe just be friends?

From J x