It’s crazy how my moments of exhaustion are when you are the heaviest on my mind and heart. Or maybe it isn’t so crazy. It was in those moments that I would run to you and find rest, wisdom, solace, and recharge.
With you, it was OK not to be OK. That alone made everything... OK. I miss you with every ounce of my being.. My world is spinning on its end all around me and I want to just crawl up into a ball in a corner and stay there until somehow you come back. You are the only one I want to call. The only arms that could possibly melt these horrible feelings.
I know you taught me to rest in God. I’ve learned that on my own. But no matter my knowledge and experience, there are still moments like these where that feels like it won’t do anything because both you and God feel so intangible. No, I haven’t lost my faith. I haven’t lost my fight. But you also taught me that I need to have real moments like this. And right now I really need you and I really need relief.
Since losing you I’ve felt over and over like this is just a bad season that eventually will turn. I’ve been waiting for this season to end since you first got sick. Somehow I’ll wake up from this, or step out of this and you will be right there with your arms wide open ready to embrace me and change everything for the better. I’ve been waiting for our life to go back to normal. I’m not delusional, I know that’s not an option but I so wish it was.
Mommy, if you and Jesus are able to have a talk up there about me, I need y’all to come up with some sort of plan. Something that makes this hurt less and something that makes all I’m walking into less scary. I know I can’t give up, and I won’t. But I need to have some relief in this, especially since I can’t have you.
When we are young, we start to picture our future. We have dreams of weddings and graduations, of building families and building careers. We build a forever in our minds with everyone we love surrounding us. But when tragedy hits, and those loved ones are taken from us, our world seems to stop spinning. Life goes on but every day, every milestone, and every dream that still comes to pass comes with the most painful of reminders that the people who should be there with us are not.
It's easy to say that we have to keep a mindset of gratefulness. To remember the good times and be grateful for the present blessings. But a mindset of gratefulness does not contradict the pain of loss. This is when we need support the most. Being surrounded absolutely matters when the loss first occurs because that’s when we are most lost and unsure of what to do, how to act, how to breathe. But it’s as life continues, two years down the road where it matters even the more. When the world starts spinning too quickly and life keeps happening with the gaping hole they left. That’s when we need people to love us stronger than ever.