Dear Mom, I Forgive You

Dear Mom,

I saw you for the first time in God knows how long. You generally only come back home when it is convenient for you. And that’s okay I guess. I’m used to you coming and going after years of it happening.

Something changed this time when I saw you. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t stop staring at you. I looked at you and I saw something different. I didn’t see you as the person who gave birth to me. I didn’t see you as a monster though either. I actually pitied you.

You looked tired. You looked both physically and mentally exhausted. And for once, I was sorry for you. But occasionally the real you came back out. From your disgusted looks to your snide comments to your threats. That’s when I snapped back to reality. You know what though, Mom?

I forgive you. I know you are not sorry, but I forgive you. I forgive you, mom, for the abuse mentally, physically, and emotionally. You are forgiven, but I do have four simple questions for you:

1. How and why did you do it?

2. How did you bring five children into this world, only to ditch them?

3. How did you kiss your children goodnight on the floor while you went to sleep in your waterbed?

4. How did you catch this smiling child in your arms everyday after school, but the only thing on your mind was how you were going to get high next?

I actually have a lot of questions. More questions than you have answers to. Maybe I'll never even get the answers I want or need. Maybe you will never even read this. Just know that it is okay. I forgive you. And I still love you. Despite the drugs, men, living conditions, and abuse... I still love you.

And I am choosing to forgive you even though you did not ask for forgiveness simply because I adored you at one point. There was a time when I would look at you and think about you and all that came to mind were the good memories, because I psychologically blocked the bad ones out. From such a young age, I was manipulated to see you as the ‘good guy’. You kept me going for so long that it was hard to distinguish who was telling the truth from who was lying about you.

Only God knows if you will ever change and only God can make that change in you. Regardless, I will always love you and I will always have hope in you. Despite your wrong doings, I want to thank you. For everything really.

If it weren’t for you then I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. Because of you, I had to mature faster than I should have. Because of you, I have high standards when it comes to males. Because of you, I know exactly how not to treat my future children. Thank you, Mom. I am an independent, strong, confident, determined woman because of everything you put me through.

Although I am thankful for you making me into the woman I am today, I also want to tell you that I am sorry. I am so very sorry, Mom. I am sorry I was not enough for you to change. I am sorry you felt that you needed to hate me more than love me. I am sorry you thought drugs were more exciting and important than me. I am sorry you missed out on 10 years of my life. I am sorry you missed my graduation and how excited I was when I got my college acceptance letter.

I am especially sorry that you will not be in my future. I am sorry you will never see me graduate college. I am sorry you will never wave me goodbye from the driveway as I head for the start of my life in Maryland. I am sorry you will never see me get married. I am sorry you will never meet your grandchildren. Most importantly, I am sorry that this is where "we" end.

I love you, Mom. Stay strong and change for yourself.

Love, your “daughter.”