Dear Mom

I'm sorry for not understanding. Up until now, I've never fully understood the meaning to all of this and I have to be honest, I don't know if I still do. A part of my soul yearns for you and wishes I had you in my life, but the current part of my understanding knows that I would not be where and who I am, had I not gone through what I did. I've spent 21 years battling these emotions, seeking to understand exactly what this all means. I remember the last day I saw you. That memory is imprinted in my mind with such detail, I've never been able to forget you. I don't have a clear conception of time, all I really remember is how much I wanted to be with you. I never wanted to be apart, I would follow you everywhere.

You would take me on the bus and we would ride together through the night to different locations. I don't remember exactly where or for what, all I recall is ALWAYS traveling alongside you, as you pulled me by my hand or carried me in your arms when I got tired. I must have been 3 or 4, I still remember all of this. I remember never wanting to be apart from you, I'd throw tantrums and I would cry whenever you could not take me along with you. I had no understanding of why I could not be with my mom at all times, but maybe that is what broke me. The day you left I ran after that old white pick-up truck, as Grandpa drove you away for the last time. I couldn't keep up, I chased and I ran as fast as my legs could carry me, but it was hopeless, I could not reach you. I fell on the dirt road and bawled as I saw you get further and further away until finally, you were out of sight. I waited day and night with the hopes that you would return, like a lost puppy, but each day revealed to me that you would not. I think that is where my skin toughened up. I was so nasty with my older siblings and I gave Grandma such a tough time. I was 5 years old. All I felt was anger and resentment towards everybody, I didn't even know why. All I knew was that I loved you so much and you had abandoned me when I needed you the most. I was so fragile, my heart felt like it had been ripped out of me.

Shortly after Grandma died, she looked after me after you left. I remember attending her funeral; so many people loved her and showed up to pay their respect. Everybody sobbed and wept, there was endless crying, even my 5-year-old friends from down the block were weeping; one of them approached me and asked why I wasn't crying. I was tearless, stone cold, I just observed.

The years that followed I was taken from my siblings; there were too many kids and people in our home to keep up with and Grandpa couldn't do it alone. I lived with 3 different families over the years, all of them your siblings who had a family of their own. I moved to the U.S at the young age of 6 and all though I lived with family relatives, it never quite felt the same. They weren't my real mom and dad and I always felt like I was treated differently. I rebelled, grew an attitude, and got jealous and angry easily, emotions that harvested in my character without my understanding. I just could not comprehend why a mother would leave her child, and so my anger and hatred towards you grew. Sadly, those emotions manifested themselves in my relationship with my family and later on, in my personal relationship with women.

I played in a jazz band in middle school, I learned to play the sax and guitar; I loved music, it helped me express my emotions and helped me forget my problems at times. We would have concerts at school and all my classmates' families would attend, moms and dads. It was always hard for me to explain why mine could not be there. I'd constantly think to myself, "if my parents were here, this would all be so different, I wouldn't have to go through this." Many nights I would just cry in my bed, Mom, I felt so alone and scared in this big world, but there was always something present alongside me, I felt it. It is the same feeling I have now as I sit in my car and write this letter. As I stare out into the water and observe the power of the current, I know it is all God's work. 21 years later, I'm finally understanding. It is as if my whole life has been a constant effort to try and find meaning to all of this. I immersed myself in my studies, reading and learning about psychology and the human mind. I plowed through different self-help books and anything I could get my hands on that would help me understand myself. Seeking all this information helped. It changed my perspective on many things, more importantly on how I viewed my life. I understood this all had a meaning, and to be honest, despite all the challenges I have endured, I've been blessed with many skills that others do not have. I seem to have a sharper mind than most adolescents my age and older people as well. I've always had an interest in understanding myself and through that, I've come to understand other people. Not through spoken words, but through behaviors and actions, I'm gifted in reading people and situations, Mom.

I was on the path of self-destruction and as I experience the world more, I can see other people are hurting too. They all wear different crosses, I've been blessed enough to understand mine and seek to not fight it, but use it as my power. I've done my share of hurting others because of the pain inflicted on me, that seems to be the problem with the world. There is no forgiveness or understanding and so we carry this poison in our hearts, injecting others as someone did onto us. I've been blessed to never truly have been alone, despite my feelings. I never missed a meal, I always had a shirt on my back, and never once have I not had a roof over my head. All I had to do was make a small shift and change my perspective, Mom. God was always omnipresent, I never sought him, I did not want to until now. How could God be real if he took my mother away from me and caused me so much pain, I thought. I was always too busy focused on what he had taken away and never sat back and thought about what he had provided for me. He has equipped me with everything I've needed and more, but my own lack of understanding has caused me to lose and neglect those who he has put in my life for a purpose. I drowned myself in working long hours, studying, working out, in hope that it would me make me feel like I was worthy of someone's love.

For what profits a man if he gains the world but loses his own family? A true man is one who can fight for his family and keep it at the same time. I've pushed the people that love me away, my own family and recently a very dear person to me. It is as if with love, I self-destruct. I run away from it and neglect it. I think that is what has pushed me to write and share this, I don't want to lose any more love, Mom. I've always wanted someone to love me unconditionally, even with my stubborn and tough persona. My ego was too big. God has taught me that I need to learn to love first. How could I expect to receive without giving first? God loves me unconditionally, for who I am, even when I sin and he wants me to love others just the same. If you do not learn the first time, he will keep teaching you until you do, like a parent scolding their child, but never really hurt them. I suppose my biggest fear would be to look back 10-20 years from now and realize what I had lost. Not today, or ever for that fact will that happen again. I want to make up for lost time and I want to be happy.

And all though at times I don’t understand, I remember the story about the blind man. No one could answer why the man was born blind, there was no explanation, but Jesus said the blind man was born this way because God’s works are going to be revealed through him. There is absolutely no way 6 year old me would have navigated to where I am now all on his own, without the help of someone or something. I did not do it all on my own and I did not place the people that are in my life myself, God has. My Faith in him grows stronger because of this analysis.

I am writing this to thank you. I want to thank you dearly for your sacrifice and to let you know that I love you; a word that has been so foreign to me. I can only pray to God that he keeps you in his hands and that I one day, I find a woman as tough, loving, and compassionate as you were. I also want to say I'm sorry for not understanding. You were a victim to your circumstances and I was blind to that. I blamed you for what happened, when I should have loved you, worshipped you, and protected you. God is teaching me how to be a man of faith and how to love the way he does. The only way to really love someone is if you love God first, for when you do, you will understand and have compassion towards your partner and loved ones. You will understand why they are the way they are and have the compassion to work through their flaws. I've been blessed, Mom, and wherever you are, I forgive you even though there is nothing to forgive; I just pray you forgive me.

John 1:16 Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given.

3/14/18 1:09 AM - J.D