Dear Father

Absent fathers are not rare, likewise with absent mothers. But when you grow up with cute little nuclear families all around you, you begin to wonder about your own family system. I have carried around so much weight, so much doubt in myself because of your absence and lack of parenting- but I now know that I had to experience that, to become the strong character I am today.

Dear Father,

The day you left I was confused. You told me, "I'm going away for a bit." And I didn't grasp it. I just replied with a mere, "Okay" and went back to tidying my room. It was a weird moment, a moment that showed how little I cared about you going. At the age I'm at now and being able to reflect on the way you treated me, I can conclude that you leaving was for the best. I remember your endless shouting, yelling, insulting behaviour at not only me, but also my Mother. I thought you were just being disciplined when I was living with you, but looking back I realise that your pushing, gripping and unhealthy temper was not discipline- it was toxic.

It was your way or the highway- you would shout in my face for simply accidentally touching your car stereo, for wanting to talk to my mum on my own- even for accidentally tripping my sister. You wanted control on all things, you wanted to hurt and you wanted to punish because you were not happy.

You were a coward. For ages, I was wondering why you left. What we did wrong, what we didn't do right. I realise that the minute you left, I didn't react well because it was relief that I felt. I watched my mum build us all up to be strong, resilient and not care whatever other people were thinking about us. She couldn't bare think about the separation- because she knew it was the best thing for us. She didn't want her children to grow up in a household where the father figure was sneaking around, cheating and then returning home to pick faults with his wife and children.

So Dear Father, I'm glad that you left. I'm glad that I decided not to contact you anymore. Whenever I have a flashback about my childhood, it's always out shadowed by former black spots that are now filled with the negativity and toxicity of you. You were not born to be a parent, I don't think you know how to be one. But for my sisters sake, I hope you remember that children are a blessing and not a trophy.