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Dear Father

Toxic Relationship

By Danyelle LewinsonPublished 7 years ago 3 min read
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What to say about my relationship with my father? For one, I can say it is a vicious cycle of ups and downs. It’s very toxic. Everything was okay until I was in high school. That’s when everything started going downhill. I was daddy’s little girl; never got in trouble and always hid from my mom behind him. We went to movies, and listened to music. We even played sports together. When I was about 17 my mom started getting sick. That’s when things started to change. Our relationship got worse. It was understandable with him running back and forth to appointments. I was also discovering who I was as a person. I just didn’t want to tell him.

When I was 19, my mom died. I felt like I lost my best friend. My dad and my relationship kept getting worse. I kept trying to spend time with him. He just didn’t want to. So, I became to resent my father. I didn’t know what else to do. We would get into arguments. I was kicked out over 6 times in a year. He was more interested in getting a woman than spending time with his daughter. It took me by surprise. I really didn’t know what else to do. I saw so many women come in and out of my life, I just didn’t care for it. I even wrote a poem about it. When I read it to him, he only cared for about 5 minutes. Then, his attitude went right back to what it was before. The worse part of it all, I feel like the outcasted child.

When I was 21 in the hospital, he told the doctor he didn’t know my medical history because I was adopted. I wasn’t adopted. He doesn’t accept my lifestyle choice and it makes me feel like I let him down. I am a bisexual woman. Right now, I am with a woman. I can’t even tell him because I feel like he won’t be happy.

Why does it feel like you’re never there? It has been three years and you're never there. I can't even be your little girl anymore. Why? It's only because you're never there. The nights I cry myself to sleep. You're never there. We never even talk anymore. If we do it's only one or two sentences. I feel forgotten, like I never even existed. Once she got here, oh yeah, I didn't. You're trying too hard to make me forget. You never realized that I can never forget. I can't forget the person that raised me. The person that was there for me more than you'll ever be. Who knew me like the back of her own hand. Why don't you? Because you're never there. I was there before her. Yea, I get it be happy, good for you. But never make me forget; that's something I won't do.

You're going about this all the wrong way. I should still be there. I shouldn't feel left in the cold. I shouldn't feel like I'm the only one trying. You can't keep sending her to do your dirty work. If you’re not my enemy then stop acting like it. I feel like a guest, not like family. You do for her more than me. I guess I really was never there. Made in God's image, but still broken apart. My heart breaks every day. Every day I feel this way. I cry tears of sadness. I cry tears of pain. I realize that all they do is fall like rain. Rain washes away everything but it can't wash away this pain. Can't even believe that I went through so much pain. No matter what I still have my own thing. I still have one person to stand beside me. Since I know that you were never there...

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About the Creator

Danyelle Lewinson

A little about me..I am a writer, a poet and a person that loves good music. I am still working on my first book as well

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