Dear Christian Family

I have spent years trying to figure these words out. I have spent my life trying to figure myself out, trying to "fix" myself. I have changed myself to be loved by people who I knew wouldn't love me if I were to be me. This letter is to benefit anyone who may be in a similar situation to mine.

This letter is for my family. My dad is a Nazarene Christian pastor, and my mom is a very involved member of the church they attend. They raised me on their beliefs and I didn't have much education on anyone else's beliefs and had no idea what Google even was until high school. My family was very strict, and very opinionated. I love my family endlessly, but my fear is that the feeling isn't returned.

Dear family,

You raised me to hold on to my beliefs over everything, and to die if I had to for what is right. You taught me to be strong minded, and to love. So please keep that in mind as I tell you what I have been holding in for too long. My life has been a series of lies. I feel like I've had to lie all day every day just to get through. I can't live the way I am anymore I feel as if I only live to please you, and to live out the life you want for me. I have tried so many relationships hoping to find someone both you and I can love. I haven't found one. Because the only people I have loved are people I have been with when I had no contact with you. Because that was the only time I was free to be myself. The only relationships I felt love like in the movies were with girls. I'm gay. I can't keep quiet anymore. And I can't let you think I'm going to hell for loving someone. You told me being gay is a mental illness and a choice. Why was I born attracted to women then? If God makes everyone as they are supposed to be, then why should I change my sexuality when he created me this way? Family, I love women and that doesn't mean I'm condemned to hell, and that doesn't change who I am in any way. The term homosexual wasn't even used in the bible until the RSV version, and before that the wording was always male prostitute or sexually immoral. Sodomy means a person from sodomite, nothing more or less—just like a Moabite is from Moab. There's only six verses in the whole bible, which is less than one percent that says anything about "homosexuality." And none of it actually is talking about being gay. I could argue religion all day and argue why I can still be a Christian and gay, but that is for another post or video or something. This is my coming out letter, and it won't just be a list of evidence proving why you should believe I'm loved by God, because I know I am. But this letter is to reach out to you, let you know that this is who I am, always was, and always will be. I love life now that I can accept myself, and I am a changed person. I have learned how to love and now I can love everyone I meet. I know you are disappointed, but I would be shocked if you said you were surprised. This is a big deal to me so I hope you are still reading, because I love you and all I've ever wanted was your acceptance, but was always too afraid of my family's rejection due to who I am. Please understand that this is who I have always been. I have not changed. I am just no longer holding anyone else's happiness above mine and my family's. I love you, and hope you accept and love me the same. I need you to know that I love myself and accept myself. There's nothing wrong with me; nothing to fix. I want your support and love, but not if it's just empty words. I need you to accept me.

~blu