Families logo

Daddy's Little Girl

Growing Up Missing My Father

By Katie SchmidtPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
Like

For as long as I can remember, my dad was always going out of town for work. He'd leave the state and he'd leave the country. A lot of my memories of him were either him leaving for a business trip or coming back from one. I remember my 5th birthday. My mother asked if I wanted to celebrate my birthday the weekend my dad left for a business trip or the weekend he came back. Naturally, I chose the weekend he came back. I didn't want to ruin my 5th birthday party by being sad about my dad leaving, AGAIN. As a little kid, I had no idea how long he'd be gone. In a way, I guess I became accustomed to him not being around. I know it wasn't his fault, though. He was just trying to make a good living for his family.

I was the youngest and only girl of my dad's five biological children. I always prided myself in the fact that I was a daddy's girl. He had a chair in the living room that he sat in all the time. It was HIS chair. He would always allow me to sit with him in the chair, ever since I was really young. One day, he went out and bought a really expensive chair to replace his, as it was falling apart. He wouldn't allow anybody except him to sit in it. I felt really special, though, because he'd allow me to sit in the chair with him.

When I was 8-years-old, my father passed away from a ruptured aorta. This stemmed from a condition called Marfan Syndrome. Marfan Syndrome affects those who are tall and who have long fingers and toes. We knew he had this condition, but we did not know what it meant for his heart. The morning he died, I remember sitting on the edge of the bed saying "Daddy," thinking that he was just asleep and that me calling for him would wake him up. When it did nothing, I began to cry. Losing my dad was the worst day of my life. I've managed to block out most of that day and the days following it. The funeral was three days later and I was too in shock to cry. I never expected to lose anybody, especially not my father, at such a young age. Growing up, in my mind, he was Superman. Superman was invincible and nothing bad could happen to him. Of course, my dad had his fair share of health problems within the first eight years of my life, but I never expected him to pass away. 18 years later, we know now that it is common for people with his similar stature to develop Marfan Syndrome and that it will likely lead to aortic rupture, dilation, or dissection.

18 years without my father have been hard. While he taught my brothers how to ride a bike, I had to teach myself. When a guy broke my heart, I had no father to threaten to break him (haha). My mom dated quite a few guys. She even married a guy for a few years, but he was an awful excuse for a step-father and husband, so she divorced him. Plus, I know nobody could've ever replaced my own father. Even after all of this time, I cry over him. I wonder if he'd be proud of me for anything I've done. I wonder what he'd look like now and what he'd be like. I think he'd still be the same smiley, friendly guy he always was.

Losing my father has given me "daddy issues." These issues are ones that I am honestly embarrassed about. Any time I have the attention of an older man (preferably a father), I become emotionally attached. Nine times out of ten, I get romantic feelings for these men. That part, I don't understand. They say you search for men that remind you of your father, but none of these men remind me of my father. The only one who does, I only have platonic feelings for.

Nothing could ever prepare a person, especially a girl, for the loss of their father. Nobody ever tells you that you're going to grow up seeking a father figure in every loving man you come across. Nobody ever warns you that you may grow up with these embarrassing "daddy issues." Nobody ever lets you know that when you see the "daddy/daughter dance" being performed at weddings, you're going to bawl your eyes out for all the wrong reasons. People will look at you and wonder why you're crying so hard at a wedding, because they won't know. They won't understand, unless they've lost their father as well.

To anybody who has lost your father, no matter if you're a boy or girl and no matter how old you were, know this: Your father loves you. He is proud of you. He is watching down on you. You will forever love him, miss him, and wish that he was there, but he's always there in spirit.

grief
Like

About the Creator

Katie Schmidt

I'm 26. I live in the Atlanta area. I love animals, especially dogs. I love to read, write, and take pictures. I'm open and honest.

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.