Daddy Issues

Although many people have grown up without their father playing a sole role in their life, does anyone really go in-depth about how they feel as a child growing up without their father?

My name is Aryanna and I'm a 18-year-old who has lived her life without my father playing a true significant role in my life. This is my story about my experiences growing up without my father playing the role I had wished.

The first time I vividly remember seeing my dad was in 2008, I was an eight-year-old at the time. I remember my mom opening the door to reveal a tall, husky, bald man with sunglasses that I did not recognize. I stood at least five or six feet away from the door for what felt like forever before I questioned who the stranger at the door was, I was told he was my dad. Naturally I ran and hugged him, little did I know what I was truly in for. As the years went by I saw my dad less and less. However, one very vivid experience as a young child I remember was going to a water park with my "sisters" (which existed from his second marriage and his wife's first marriage), I was stuck with my step mom while he took off to go diving. I went after him to go with him because I didn't want to be with them, I wanted to be with him. Well the result of that was I got lost because she did not pay attention to the eight year running away. After that I don't recall seeing my dad for years, he barely called, he never made an effort to see me.

As young as I was I blamed myself for not being good enough for him to stick around. He would occasionally send birthday cards, or call on my birthday but some years would forget. A few years later he met his third wife, she was great, caring and actually made him make an effort. I got calls and birthday cards, I went to visit them. For a few years it felt as if he was part of my life. However, that feeling eventually disappeared. A perfect example is my eighth grade graduation, I had found out that my dad had been driving up to Kentucky from Ft. Lauderdale, Florida to go see my half sister. Keep in mind, on the drive he would pass where I was, he didn't say a word to anyone. He told his wife he was going up there for work. That night I spent hours trying to reach him and got no response. It wasn't until the next morning when I finally got in contact with him, I keep asking him why he didn't come see me. He lied and kept lying. I sat in the car fighting the urge to cry because I had finally seen his true colors. Moving forward about two years, my dad and his wife got divorced. He moved up to Tampa and moved in with his mother, which was about a ten minute from me. I did not find out until about two months later. And as of now I have only seen him three times since he's been up here.

As for how everything felt, it was absolute hell. I have never felt good enough because I was not enough for my dad to stick around and love me like he should have. And to this day I find it extremely hard to love and accept myself let alone believe those around me who have genuine intentions and truly care about me. I have struggled with depression and a result of that was self hatred and self harm. No one truly understands how it feels unless they've been in that position, yes they can sympathize with you but will never fully understand. Sometimes I think about how my life would be if he hadn't left, would it be worse? Would it be better? Many say that when a girl is looking for a boyfriend they tend do go after those that closely resemble their father, especially those who have strived for that attention from their fathers. That aspect has surely screwed me over on the dating front of things.