Dad

It's been a long time since we have been able to talk. There is a lot you have missed, and a lot that hasn't happened since you left. There isn't a day that you don't cross my mind. You will never get to see how I have grown and you will never get to understand how your passing has changed me into a stronger individual.

The day you left us for good was the hardest day of my life. You were my best friend. You were the foundation I built my reality on. When you left, my world burned to ashes. It was dark and cold. I lost myself in the void of your absence. If it wasn't for mom, I don't know where I would be now. You would know how that would make me feel uncomfortable to say because she was never the one I turned to for help. I can remember the emptiness I felt months after you had gone. The sadness that weighed on my heart. It was something that I would never wish for my worst enemy to face. It is cliché but it is the truth.

The anger. The hopelessness. The hatred. The worthlessness. It ruined me. The years before you passed, I was able to fix things for you and help you when you needed it. That gave me the sense of worth that I needed to be happy and see this world in a clearer view. The last time I promised you that every thing would be fine, was a lie. It killed me that I couldn't do anything to change the course of events that happened after those words left my lips. I fucking missing you.

I miss walking into the house and seeing you sitting on the couch watching the B list movies that you absolutely loved. Smelling the horrible incense burning in the background to cover up the joint you just smoked. You giving me this half-assed hello when I sat down to join you. At the time, like most of us, it bothered me. Every thing about you bothered me but I still loved you. I told you every once in a while but it was never heart felt.

It was never as meaningful as it is now and you will never get to hear it, to feel it in my voice. That is what I regret most. Not telling you that I loved you. Making you believe that you were my best friend. Making you understand that you were everything that made me who I was and who I am today. I will never get to show you my appreciation. That is what kills me the most, taking you for granted and wasting the time I had with you and using your love to my advantage.

As hard as it is to swallow, I know you are better off now. It has been one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn but it has also been the most influential. I love deeper now because of you. I care for more than just myself. My compassion for others would not be like it is today if it wasn't for you passing. Life wouldn't be as precious if you were still here. I love you dad, and you passing has been the greatest gift you could have ever given me.