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Conscious Decisions

"Am I doing this because this is what I want to do or am I doing this because it's the right thing to do?"

By Blasia BPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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Decisions, decisions, decisions...we all have to make them. See the thing about decisions is that sometimes they are made through clouded judgement. Feelings such as happiness, sadness, anger, etc...sometimes affect our decisions. Well let's be honest, feelings affect our decisions more than we'd like to admit. When you're happy or in a good mood, you're more than likely able to make better decisions. When you're angry, you tend to make more wrong decisions. But what happens when feelings are taken out of the equation? What happens when your conscious wants to sit front row and center? Now it's a matter of doing what's right or what's wrong.

Doing the right thing is defined as "the actions you perform when no one is looking." When it comes to doing what's right or wrong, everyone's perspective won't be the same. My version of doing what's right may differ from the next person and vice versa. But when it comes to our personal life, doing what's right can be a difficult task.

As I write to you, my conscious is on overload. From the outside looking in, those around me think that I have the perfect life. A beautiful family, a nice home, and a great job. But what they don't know is that it's the total opposite. My longtime boyfriend and I recently had a precious baby boy. And although he was not planned, I am very grateful for being blessed with someone as healthy and smart as he is. I always wanted to get married before I had a child, but life sometimes throws curveballs at us. When I found out that I was pregnant, I was in complete denial. Not only was I having a baby out of wedlock, but my boyfriend and I had recently split up and that one time when we decided to "talk it out," BOOM... I'm pregnant.

The split came from a number of reasons. My boyfriend and I have a little age gap between the two of us. We both grew up in different eras and our generations are vastly different. Not only are our generations vastly different, but so are our characteristics. The old saying, "opposites attract" tends to pop up in my head when I think about us. But what if you're too opposite in relation to your partner? To me, it means you're just plain old not compatible. But if we weren't compatible, then how did we make it this far?

This brings up my original question, "Am I doing this because this is what I want to do or am I doing this because it's the right thing to do?" I grew up in a two parent household and it was such a delight to have both of my parents under one roof. When my mom said, "No," my dad said, "Yes." As a kid, I would use this to my advantage. Everyday I would challenge my parents to see what I could get away with until they figured out what I was doing. They took a step back and realized that they needed to rethink their parenting skills. Rethinking their parenting skills also made them analyze their personal skills. And then came, "the split."

I was thirteen when my parents officially separated. My dad left everything to my mom, and he moved closer to his parents. I was a daddy's girl and he was my best friend. He was the one that taught me how to comb my hair, cook, and even though he wasn't in the same household with me anymore, he was the one that helped me when I got my first period. Can you imagine what this separation did to me? I was hurt and emotionally unavailable for years. I had two younger siblings that I had to look after while my mom worked. There were no after school sports or hanging with friends. At the tender age of thirteen, I was taking care of a household. I used to cry myself to sleep every night and pray that my mom & dad would get back together. But it never came.

Knowing how this affected me as a child, poses the question, "Am I going to do this for me or do what's best for my child?" I know plenty of parents that stay together for the sake of the child/children while they bask in their own misery once they're behind closed doors. Sleeping on opposite ends of the bed, walking past each other without mumbling a word, acting as if the other person doesn't exist. I don't want to be that parent, nor do I want my child to go through what I went through. This is where my conscious comes into play. Do I do what's right and stay with my boyfriend even though it's becoming clearer each day that we're just not compatible or do I end things now and do what makes me happy?

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About the Creator

Blasia B

One creative mind pouring into another.🌱💫🌻

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