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Coming out Story... and My Life After

Everyone has their own story of coming out and here is mine.

By Lionel RosèPublished 5 years ago 7 min read
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Rosal is my middle name which maybe related to the word ROSE.

This is my first time ever publishing anything so please be kind to me.

Before I tell you my story, let me tell you a little bit about myself...

My name is Lionel and 26 living in Perth, Australia. I'm originally from the Philippines but my parents wanted us to have a better future, but most of my coming out story happened in the Philippines before we migrated.

I knew about my sexuality ever since I was in the fifth grade. I was sexually abused by my MANNY as a kid and maybe it left an impact on me but I can't blame it on him because according to my auntie and uncle I'm quite feminine growing up so I know I'm born this way, baby. I knew what are the consequences to being gay, so I hid it from my family for a long time. I enjoyed being with my friends at school because for them, I don't need to come out, Im just what I am, but when reality hits and I have to go home it's a completely different story.

I used to go home at 5:30 PM from school and I would go straight to the kitchen, have a snack, and I would go straight to my room and turn my lights off. I used to lay down for hours on end in the darkness thinking what my life would be if Im just more open to the people who loves me than just my classmates. I always seek the courage to come out but I'm too coward to face my fear. In the Philippines, gay people are always looked at as a comedic character, never taken seriously and in some unfortunate events they get kill or beaten and disowned by their own family and even though we have gays and lesbian in the family (more than enough for family clan can have) I'm still scared because on my father's side, my uncles and my own father have very strong personalities that most people find intimidating and I'm afraid that he will disown me. If he finds out, I will have nowhere to go. So from fifth grade until sophomore year in high school, I kept myself isolated from my family. I did try to cover up my tracks and like some of you, I tried being with the girl I didn't thought of the girl's feelings I was with which was awful but I have to do it to make sure they won't speculate anything but obviously, it's doomed to fail.

One night during my sophomore year, I'm in my room listening to music while trying to review for my mid-quarter exams. I don't know why but I started fidgeting, I walked around my small room in circles then it suddenly hits me. I realised I've spent already enough time in my room and I couldn't bear to do what I'm doing anymore. I'm a person that still believe in the power of penning a letter in which I did that night. I don't remember much from the letter but it mostly contains questions like these.

"How long do you have to keep it to myself?" "Why do you have to be like this?""If you get disowned, are you ready to support yourself and possibly leave everyone behind?"

It is addressed to me but I still felt the need of talking to myself. Anyway, I woke up the next day feeling drained from studying and crying all night.

On my commute to school. I was thinking of one of the hardest question in the letter. "If you get disowned, are you sure you ready to support yourself?" I still couldn't get myself to answer that question BUT I thought to myself, "FUCK IT." Whatever happens, happens and I'd rather live on the street but I'm true to myself than hide myself in my room from everyone hating every single minute of it. So the next day I was going to tell my mum but I wasn't as courageous as the person I was yesterday but I know I couldn't leave for school without doing anything about it. I thought maybe the letter I wrote prior that day would do... but how? I remembered I just checked out two books from the school library and one isn't due for a week so I thought maybe if I slip the letter in the book I borrowed from the library with parts of the paper stinking out on the side and leave it on my mum's spot in the couch.

I thought it might just work. I was sure it's going to work because it's mums spot and she always check my books and notebooks to make sure I wasn't flunking which she was honestly a little too late. Anyway, off I go to school and I was so distracted the whole time. I stayed in the school premises that day but I didn't show up to any of my class, I thought I deserve a little sympathy after the big leap of faith that I just did, but before you have a go at me for doing that for that, just so you know I now understand that I wasn't entitled to anything I didn't earn. I got home very late that day and my heart was thumping, I looked for mum but what I saw was the booked kept on the side table.

First thing mum said to me is, "Why were you late?"

Now, not only I was disappointed, I was also confused. Confused if mum read it and just wanted to act normal or she didn't read it like planned. I wanted to know if she read it and so already invested on being true to myself that I didn't even think, I just had to get her attention but I also had to make sure that if she hasn't read it yet I have to say anything that will build up a little bit of curiousity. So, I asked my mum if she read the piece of paper I was holding and she said NO so I told her she not allowed to read it and I forbidden her.

Now, we all know that if someone told you not to do something, you're most likely to do the opposite. The next day I put it on the same book and the same spot before I head to school. I did the exact same thing that day, the only difference is when I got home from school, mum was in the shower when I got home but she instructed me to go to the computer desk. Dad was already waiting for me on Skype when I got home. He asked me if I'm okay and then mum showed up behind me before I even got to answer. On her left hand, she had the letter. So, I asked her why it's in her hands and she said she read it. Now it's finally out of the open. The moment I've waited for years finally came. Thankfully, my family is so supportive. At first, my mum took was shocked but she said she knew all along, she just never pictured the day I'm going to come out.

My dad's only advice to me was, "Learn to respect yourself, because people won't respect you if you don't respect yourself."

I'm still keeping that promise as much as I can. There are times that I neglected that promise but that's for a different article.

I'm one of the lucky one that have complete support from my family and had a better outcome. I'm 26 now and I'm happily alive and well, living my best truth without any regret but only lessons. I started doing drag a couple of years ago and I've met a few people who were struggling to come to terms with their sexuality. So I used my platform to make a difference one person at a time.

If you are struggling to come into terms with your own sexuality. Just remember: It's your life your living, not their. If your family disowned you. Always remember we, the LGBTQ+ community, have gone through what you're going through and we are more than happy to listen and give advice, but if it didn't turn out the way we wanted it to turn out. Just remember that we don't get to pick who's blood will run through our veins but we get to pick the family that will treat us like one.

I hope you enjoy my first entry. I'm sorry it's long and it's not as neat as many of you guys are. I'm an aspiring journalist, still need to go to university and I'm hoping this platform will help me learn how to write the right way.

Ciao,

Lionel x

lgbtq
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About the Creator

Lionel Rosè

My name is Lionel Rosè. Im an aspiring journalist and a loves writing. I will write everything in here my train of thoughts. Writing gives me the relaxation feeling and I will aim to write to give you the same feeling it gives me.

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