Coming Out

My coming out story happened in two stages, and the second stage is still happening. The first stage was coming out to myself, which was very difficult. I didn’t grow up in a horrible environment, but I didn’t grow up in the most supportive environment either. I was shielded from just about everything related to the LGBTQIA+ community. I can even remember my mom getting frustrated when she saw Ellen DeGeneres on TV and made me turn the channel. During my freshman year in high school, people told me not to hang out with certain people because they were gay. As it turns out, the person that they warned me to not hang around with is straight, and I am the one that is a lesbian. All I knew at that point was that being gay was not okay. Not at home, not at school, and not at church. Once I reached my senior year of high school, the constant suppression finally broke me. I tried so hard to be straight, I prayed every night that I would like boys instead of girls. But, I eventually started praying that I wouldn’t wake up the next day. I literally cried myself to sleep every single night. I was very depressed, suicidal, and even started drinking alcohol secretly. For the last half of the school year, I skipped breakfast because I felt nauseous. I ate my lunch in the school bathroom because I didn’t want to be around other people. Then, I would sit in class and think about the best place that I could crash my truck on the way home so that I would die, but not hurt any other drivers. I would cry the whole way home, then when I got home, I would drink alcohol until I felt numb. There were a few times where I got the gun out of my parents’ closet, but I luckily never committed suicide. In those moments, I thought that my parents would rather have a dead child than a gay child.

Even after all of this, there wasn’t a single person that knew what I was going through. As it turns out, I am good at hiding secrets. When I graduated high school, I decided that I would finally allow myself to experience whatever I felt, and wouldn’t immediately hate myself for it. One positive influence was that of an English professor at a small-town college that I went to for a few years. She was part of the Gay-Straight-Alliance at the school, but I wouldn’t dare go to the club because I wasn’t ready to admit to myself that I was gay. But, I felt comfortable enough to tell her that I thought that I might be gay. Just knowing that I had somewhat told someone made me feel better. This was the first tiny step that I made towards fully coming out. I was still ashamed of myself for being gay and thought that my family would feel the same shame. So, what helped me get past this? As weird as it sounds, it was YouTube and the LGBTQIA+ community that made me feel like I wasn’t wrong or broken. Simply seeing other people accept themselves and live a normal and happy life made me think that I could do the same one day.

In September of 2015, I finally told my parents that I am a lesbian, but I didn’t think it through very well. I baked some mini rainbow cakes, thinking it would lighten the mood, but it didn’t quite go that way. I showed my dad the cakes, ran to another room, and waited for him to realize what I was trying to tell him. I told my mom later that evening as well. I felt like I was breaking their hearts and destroying their dreams for both their daughter and for themselves. While they did say some things that hurt my feelings, I don’t feel comfortable sharing some of them for personal reasons. Luckily, they said that they still loved me, would support me, and wouldn’t disown me. But, these also came with the statement of “don’t shove it down my throat.”

Since coming out, and prior, my parents have said that they don’t agree with same-sex marriage, and one of the most painful things that I have heard my dad say is that the people in the Pulse nightclub in Orlando shouldn’t have been at a place like that so late at night. My mom thinks that businesses should be allowed to discriminate against LGBTQIA+ people, and thinks that changes should be made so that people don’t have to “deal” with gay people if they don’t feel comfortable doing so. (I do want to make sure that everyone understands that my parents are much better now. Sometimes it takes having an issue be personal for you to realize what your thoughts and beliefs mean.) Even though I am only a small part of the community, I still feel responsible for speaking out for others both in and outside of the LGBTQIA+ community. So, when my family members say that transgender people are weird or attention seeking, it feels like a punch in the stomach. I know the pain that I feel when I hear homophobic comments, so I feel empathy for various communities that experience discrimination.

Back to the coming out story, I would say that I am grateful for what I do have. I know some have it much worse than I do and would literally be putting their life at risk if they told people that they are not straight and/or cisgender. I am currently not “out” or open with my sexuality to most people because I am too scared about the impacts. I don’t want my teachers to know and have them think negatively of me. I don’t want to risk a job opportunity coming my way. But, I hope that I will eventually feel comfortable enough to be open about myself. I think one of the biggest misconceptions is that it is easy to be in the closet. It’s not the worst, but it can be detrimental to your mental health over time. I spent years of my life knowing that I was gay and doing everything that I could to push it down while telling myself that I was a horrible person, and then pretending to be fine on the outside. I am mentally stronger today, but I am constantly deciding whether or not I can trust someone enough to act like myself. Just because I came out doesn’t mean that the negative statements and actions towards me and my community just disappear. I still deal with these things, but want to work to make this world safer and more accepting for everyone.

I personally don’t think that sexuality is a choice, but find it exhausting trying to defend that statement to other people. Even if I could change my sexuality, I wouldn’t. While it would be easier to “fit in” in some areas of my life if I was straight, I would rather change the negativity towards sexuality. I’m a good person, or I at least try my best to be. So, why should I feel so horrible about loving someone of the same gender. It is literally love, but I have been taught to hate it. We have been taught to hate certain types of love. How about we focus more on embracing love and hating things like crime, murder, racism, sexism, war, and things in this world that are actually bad. Those seem like things that we should actually be hating.

To anyone that is in the closet or struggling right now, please know that even with so much hatred in the world, you have the ability to make the world better for at least one other person. Do your best to find love and acceptance within yourself, and then share that gift with as many people as possible. It doesn’t have to happen today, or even a year from now. When you are finally able to share who you are, you will unknowingly be letting others know that everything will be okay. Let them know that you went through some rough days and that they can make it through as well. So many people have worked so hard for the rights and comforts that we currently have today. But, we are not done. Our generation has to continue the work to make a better world for everyone, and it starts with you!

*If you don't want to or feel like you shouldn't have to come out, that's fine. If you don't want to label yourself, that's fine. If you just aren't sure, that's fine. Everyone has a different experience and no two people are alike. Just be kind to yourself and to others. Share love and find love, but always respect others. We are all trying to live. Stay strong and be happy.