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Christmas Goodbye

Rest In Peace, Damian Potter

By Stephanie BlackPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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Christmas, the happiest time of the year, or so I thought until this Christmas. Prior to this year I had my tree up on Thanksgiving, if not before. I found happiness in the holiday songs. I glowed Christmas cheer! But this year something is missing. The tree isn't up, presents aren't wrapped, and Here Comes Santa Claus isn't playing through out the cinnamon-smelling house. The cheer just isn't quite as important this year.

Instead, I'm replaying the songs you loved over and over again. I'm reposting the pictures we took, the memories we created over and over again, just wishing that we could create more. It's been trying to get to the point I'm at. I've read things that say you don't ever get done grieving; you just learn to live with it. I can't tell you how true that is. Sometimes, I put on your hoodie and close my eyes in the middle of the kitchen with the music blaring and just pretend you have your arms around me and I can almost hear you singing, "You're all I ever wanted--," as you spin me around.

But then reality chimes in. The kids are arguing. Peyton doesn't want her brothers in her room. I mean, it's a "girls" room; why should they be in there? They leave willingly but not without attempting to let the neighbors know they're mad at her. Gavin says, "Fine! I'm not your big brother anymore." I giggle, just try to think of your reaction to that. I'm sure you would laugh, too. Someone should probably tell our witty three-year-old that just because he's bigger doesn't mean he's actually the "big" brother. Technically, you have to be born first. But hey, who am I?

I'm trying to raise them with you in mind, trying to teach them values that you would want them to know as well. But I have to admit, at almost nine months in, this is difficult. Raising three children alone was never my plan in life. Despite how rough things were with us, I think we ultimately had the same end result in mind; to end up together, with everything okay. So I think about what you would have wanted as much as possible with them.

Now with Christmas here, I attempt to get in the Christmas spirit. Your family definitely helped, along with some wine, of course. ;) We talked about how something was missing while opening presents. But even before anyone acknowledged it, we all knew it was you. Your silly antics. The candy canes coming up missing off the tree, some in your belly, some in your pocket to continue the day. We made it through the Christmas dinner and traditions.

Time continues, even though for some of us the day we said goodbye doesn't seem to have passed. But what if I didn't say goodbye? What if goodbye just wasn't possible? You said you would never leave and I definitely wasn't ready to let go. But now I feel like I can't move on because I haven't said goodbye. I feel as if my life is standing still, waiting on you to come home again.

But I'll wrap the presents and take pictures of our beautiful babies because I know the joy their smiles would bring you. I know you would love to see them happy, to see us happy. I'll try my best to make that a reality every day for the rest of our lives, in your honor. I think for the new year I'm ready to say goodbye. I'm ready to let you go, as if I have any sort of choice in the matter. I think it will give me the peace I need to continue living and the missing link your soul needs to be at peace. I believe that you're watching over us and here with us every day and I feel your presence more then I'd like to admit, in fear of being crazy. You'll forever be in our hearts. Merry Christmas, Damian Potter, on your first Christmas in heaven. I love you! <3

grief
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About the Creator

Stephanie Black

I'm 27 years old with 3 beautiful children! Just trying to live my life and leave a legacy behind. :)

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