Christmas

There I was, sitting down, swinging my stubby legs back and forth on the booth. Kicking the only pole that gave stability to the wooden table. The smell of syrup and crispy, hot bacon streamed throughout the place leaving children unsettled and adults, impatient.

“Do you want pancakes or toast hun?” Asked the waitress.

“Uh…” I take a moment. I'm at the point in life where the decision of pancakes or toast is quite difficult despite the obvious choice.

“Just get the pancakes bibi.” My dad says while his face still buried in the menu. His eyes go back and forth up and down left and right. He knows what he wants he's just acting weird cause she's pretty.

“Can I get pancakes please.” I say without any effort. I look down at the table as she takes away the menu. I just want her to leave already.

“Okay and what about for you sir?” She asks sweetly.

Disgusting. I gag in my head.

“I'll get...” he continues with his usual order of steak and eggs. I zone out his voice. I zone everyone out. The thought that it's Christmas tomorrow is exciting. My mom said it was okay for me to stay over.. I think. Angel doesn't care either. The lady finally leaves. More attention for me.

“Mamita you're sleeping over right? It is Christmas. You’re spending it with me right? So that way we can get your present mañana okay?” he says sweetly as if almost a completely different person.

“Yeah I think mom said it was okay.” I stutter. Suddenly a cry breaks out on the other side of the diner. My heart stops and I look towards the bloody screams immediately. All I see is a baby's parents reassuring her. Calming her down taking turns in holding her. A little feeling starts to emerge from the pit of my stomach. I ignore it and just look away.

“So how's your mom? Is she still getting mad at you all the time?” He asks. He looks me straight in the eyes. He only wants to hear the negative of her. I'll just give it to him.

“Yeah she yells at me a lot, it's hard to talk to her.” I say looking out the window. He’ll probably say something to her and she’ll actually yell at me. What am I supposed to do? All I ever really wanted was for him to go back with mom. Things wouldn’t be this way if they would just stop being annoying. It wouldn't just be me and him here eating breakfast it me would be the three of us. Laughing and talking. Like a real family.

We sit there silently. Our food arrives, but it’s not as exciting for me as it is for him. He looks up not for his plate but for the waitress’s eyes. Gross. He puts palm against palm and starts spitting out words of gratitude for the lord. All I’m thankful for is for my pancakes right now. I eat slower as usual and just stare at the families on the other side. Tears just stream down my face immediately. My dad notices quickly. What a surprise.

“Mamita whats wrong? Te mordiste la lengua?” He asks with concern.

“Why couldn’t you and mami just be together? Why can't I just be with both of you on Christmas. I just want us to be together like everyone else.” I start bawling. Tears just start pouring out. My dad can barely make out what I'm saying, but he gets it. He comes on my side of the booth and wraps his arms around me. I bury my face in his chest and just sob.

“Mamita I know, and I'm sorry. But that can't happen. You know this. Your mom and I don’t get along and we aren't married anymore. On holidays we switch off with you. Last year you were with her and Angel for Christmas. This year you’re going to be with me.” He reassures me so I understand what he's saying.

“I loved your mom very much and she loved me too but sometimes things just don't work out. It happens. I don't want you getting all sad about it. Besides, that doesn't mean we don't love you any less. We love you so very much,” he calmly says as he rests his chin on top of my head. He then grabs my arms and extends them pushing me away from him. He looks at me and smiles. And just says.

“I'm sorry.”

At that moment I start to reason with myself. It's always been me who's been unhappy about all of this. But I've never really thought about whether or not my parents were happy. My dad's been having girlfriends here and there while my mom was already settled down with Angel. She's found someone and my dad is still a loner. Just seeing his eyes all red and puffy hurt me more than my own selfish want of a complete family. A complete family wouldn't work out if things were always negative anyway. I hug my dad for a long time and say sorry to him in my head. I'm for sure he knows I truly mean it.