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Being Still Hurts

"My silence was deep."

I've stumbled, fell face flat, sat in a 6-foot deep hole and shed way too many tears to count in recent. Social interactions became a blur without one single thought of happiness in my mind...Being still hurt.


I have miscarried my first child.


We all decide to be blinded by beautiful lies, instead of ugly truths. This for me was devastating, more than I could have ever imagined. When a loss or tragedy occurs, no one wants to face the unknown. I didn't.


But knowledge is power, truly, and we're all sentient deep within.
 So I've been discovering myself.
 After the news and few days at the hospital, I've let myself go. Worldly and materialistic things. Trends. What's new. All faded away right when the doctor's words rolled off his tongue.


My silence was deep.


I was humbled.



I guess it really does take something tragic for someone to open their eyes.


I continue to seek knowledge, though. Strength. Sound mind.


“Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with having the intent to throw it at someone else... yet you still are the one ending up burnt.” 

It goes the same with disappointment, sadness and grief. 

IT GETS YOU NOWHERE.

I've taken it out on my Husband out of remorse and regret, thinking it was my fault. Maybe if it was his. But I know it wasn't either. 

I was so upset and so sad... I wallowed myself and let Satan take control of my emotions.


Not anymore.


To the people who don't understand that I have overcame this... Keep on speaking volumes. I stopped explaining myself when I realized some people on understand from their level of perception.


It became easier when I started to speak about my miscarriage to others, although I never intended to seek compassion, but it helped to grasp the honest fact. 

“I tell everyone to be strong, knowing I'm the weakest one." Was the quote I festered in for a while.


But I soon realized... I’m not the only one. Women before me went through it, and women are going through it with me right now. 

Knowing that I am stronger than my emotions make me stronger and become accepting of what happened. 

My child will always be my child. In this world or in the next. I will always love you.

-Starsha.