Being a Single Parent with a Mental Illness

We all question if we're doing good enough in life. Well, I question it daily. I'm a single mom of two boys. They're definitely a handful, and life is stressful for us most of the time. They bring me joy and happiness, but honestly, not in the way kids do most of the time for their parents.

I had been told from the time I was a teen that if I ever got pregnant, I'd never go full term or not even past the first trimester. Well, in 2012, I had proven the doctors wrong when I had my oldest boy. I was so thrilled just for the fact that I had been saved. Or so I have always believed.

I was heading down the wrong road since I was a teen, and finding out I was pregnant made me change my life in so many ways that I've just always said he saved me. Not only that, but he was my miracle baby that proved the doctors wrong. My delivery wasn't the best due to needing an emergency C-section to save both our lives, but in the end, we both were healthy and alive, which I'm so thankful for.

So now imagine having the father walk out of his life when he was only a few months old after punching me in the face the day I had my wisdom teeth pulled. Yeah, wasn't too fun. He's around a little more now, but he's missed out on most of the last 6 years.

When you have a mental illness and you try so hard to be a great mother to this child you love so much, it's hard. You want to make sure their needs are met and that they're happy, but inside you are dying. You're struggling with your own internal demons, but you keep putting them aside to make sure your child is okay. You forget to take care of you, because you're so focused on them, so that eventually it catches up to you.

In 2013, I was pregnant and had no idea. I ended up in the ER thinking I had a cyst rupture, only to find out I was 2 1/2 months pregnant and had a hemorrhage in my uterus. Two months after finding this out, my water broke and I delivered a stillborn at 4 months pregnant to my second born son. From that point on, I said I didn't want anymore children. I didn't want to risk that emotional pain again.

2016, I ended up pregnant again. I don't believe in abortions, so I just emotionally detached from my pregnancy completely. I just went to my appointments and did what I had to to keep the baby alive. I didn't even start thinking about names until right after I found out it was another boy. I started contemplating adoption, but quickly shut that out of my mind knowing I was not one of the lucky ones with being adopted and I was worried he wouldn't be either. So now I've got two healthy, sassy boys ages 6 and 2.

As the time has gone by since having my little bug, I've realized I keep detaching more from being a mom. I feel like a failure and so I detach. My mental health has been getting worse and worse over the years. I know it is partially because I had stayed in such an unhealthy relationship, but it's affecting my ability to be a great mom.

I have days where I'm so depressed or just overly stressed and I break down saying how I don't want to or deserve to be a mom anymore. I see my friends who also have kids, pawning their kids off to go out and enjoy their lives and it irritates me. I feel bad when I ask people to take my kids so I can have a break that doesn't entail me going to work. I see people having so much freedom from their kids, and going on vacations without their kids, or just having a weekly night out, and I get so jealous. I'm with my kids 24/7 unless I'm at work. Work is my only time to be away, and that to me is just more added stress.

I have reached out to get more help for my depression and other issues for my mental health, but I honestly am just lost as to how to be a good mom anymore. I don't have that maternal instinct that most women end up with upon having children. Like, don't get me wrong, I love my children to death and would do anything for them, but I'm struggling with my own demons, which is affecting the clarity of being a good mom.

I feel like I'm the only one of my friends who feels this way. Everyone else I know with kids seems so thrilled about the future with their kids, and I can barely be happy day to day. I just feel miserable and I know my kids can sense that. I know they try to in a way do things to fix Mommy, but there's just that demon inside of me that sucks all of my true happiness out of me and hides it. My kids deserve a happier mom, someone who is excited to jump up and go play outside with them, who's excited to hear about their day, play imaginary games with them, build things, and just do what normal moms do. Not someone who tries to fake it and ends up frustrated by things so easily.

I just wish I could fix myself for my boys and be the person they not only need, but deserve. I'm so alone through all of this, with no help from my youngest son's father, and pretty much no help from my oldest son's father either. We live with my ex boyfriend who has helped to raise them but he's also one of the things sucking the life and happiness out of me. He's so emotionally and mentally abusive to me, but I stay because otherwise we'd be homeless and also because he's truly amazing with the kids. I feel as if he loves them, even though neither are his, more than he has ever loved me.

I find myself wondering what my life would be like without my kids, wondering how life would be if I truly gave up and sent them to live with their fathers. Then I go into an anxiety attack knowing that they would be worse off. I start to have thoughts about how maybe they'd be better off with a new family, but then I remember how I was when that happened to me. My youngest might forget about me and my ex that he calls Daddy, but my oldest is too old and won't ever forget. I just couldn't ever put that pain on either of them.

This is why I need to fix myself. I struggle daily, trying to force myself to laugh and smile and be normal. I laughed the other day for about ten minutes, and it seriously took all of my energy and made my face hurt. I used to never have an issue like that. I used to smile and laugh all the time, but these past few months, I've done nothing but frown and cry. Or even lose my temper.

My kids are safe, not abused. They're loved by all those in their lives, but I just wish I could show them more how much I do love them. I just want to be a great mom and someone that they will remember as happy and hard working and always there for them.

I truly wonder how many other single parents feel this way throughout the years. How do they overcome the horrible feeling of being a failure? I try and try, and feel as if I'm still not getting anywhere. All the more reason I've reached out for help for my own demons and mental health issues, to make sure I can still turn it around and be the best damn mother I can be.

Thanks for reading this. I just had to get this out there. I'm sure there may be other single parents feeling these things occasionally, and I guess my hope is that you realize you're not alone, and that I do believe we can one day overcome these feelings if we get some help to put our life in perspective and learn to take better care of ourselves.