Being a Mother

Should I ever have thought life before marriage was hard, then I was wrong. Mother nature probably looked at me and had a great laugh on my expense, saying: "You haven't seen anything of life yet. Try parenthood."

The day I held my first born, my whole life changed in that one moment. I had a lot to adjust to. Not only my size changed, my whole life changed. I had a baby who was depending on me. I didn't know how to be a mother! The panic was real. How was I going to look after a baby? I held her and cried on the sixth day. I didn't know if I was ready for motherhood. I most certainly didn't feel fit enough. Having a baby didn't come with instructions, and I was used to instructions. It took me a while to adjust, to learn the ups and downs. For three years, it seemed I figured it all out.vI felt I had the motherhood business on mode, and then mother nature hit me again. My second born arrived.

This time it was less difficult, but juggling two children was no mean feat. All was going well. Between us we got this game. We were doing a pretty good job of being a family...then my third baby arrived.

After a few months of juggling three children, school runs, house chores, I had the urge to be something more than a housewife. I wanted to go back to education. I thought fate was having a laugh at me, after having three children. I was in my early 30s, I was meant to be settled down, not go university. While enrolling, so many questions were going through my brain: "what if I cant do it?" "what if I cant maintain my family?"

So many doubts, yet the urge to enroll was so big. Regardless of all the doubts, I ended up enrolling and I started my journey as a student.

While going to uni, I started to work part time too. So here I was, three children, part time job, full time uni. How was I going to juggle it all? I managed well. It was hard, but I somehow managed it with the support of my husband and children, until 2.5 years later, mother nature hit me again. I got pregnant with my fourth baby. I went to uni until the last day of pregnancy. I spent most of my maternity doing assignments and dissertations. My baby arrived. Sleepless nights, assignment deadlines on alert, baby on lap, and post natal depression lurking in the background—three more children to look out for. I cant say I didn't break down. I did. I broke down to the point where I wanted to give up, but the urge to get a degree was to the point of madness. I didn't want to fail myself and my children, so when I fell, I picked myself up.

I didn't have the freedom to write assignments whenever I wanted to. During the day I was giving my family my 100 percent, but night time was mine. When everyone was sleeping, I was awake until late night to early hours of the morning doing my uni work in between baby feeds. It was hard—a whole roller coaster ride full of emotions—until the day came to submit last assignment. By then I was too tired to care. I did not even read the paper for mistakes. I didn't log into the portal to check my marks until a colleague mentioned the results were out. Very nervously, I logged in to check my results, and I cried. I cried silent tears to see I passed. All those sleepless nights paid off, all those times when I felt guilty because somehow while playing with my children, my mind slipped to uni work and I felt that I failed my children—all that paid off.

Now I am a stay at home mum. I am happy with that. I love being a mum. After four years of running around, having no time to breathe, I now have a relatively quiet life at home with children, giving them my 100 percent. And my heart goes out to the mums with a carer. The guilt of not being a full-time mother does kill you. Where I am right now, I am content, but who knows what I will do in a few year's time. I might decide to pursue a carer, or maybe not. But at the moment, this is what I love: waking up, taking two of them to school, homeschooling the third one, looking after the fourth one, house work, house parties...it's not that bad. I sometimes miss the rush. I miss the adrenaline rush to go work, go to uni.. yet when I see my children smile at me, I feel its' worth it being at home. Others do ask me why I got a degree and didn't pursue a career. My answer is that getting the degree was my passion. It was to prove to myself that I am not a door mat. I can do it, too. Now that I have done it, I can look at it and pat myself on the back and feel proud of myself.

The past four years of my life have taught me the most important lesson of my life: Having children does not stop you from anything, it actually motivates you furthermore. Somehow, being a mother taught me that my children are my strength. Me and my children have a lifetime partnership.