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Beginning to Move Forward After a Miscarriage

What was it like going back to work?

By Aimee WPublished 5 years ago 5 min read
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As we draw to the end of Baby Loss Awareness Week, I wanted to talk about moving forward—starting with going back to work. It's Saturday night and by some miracle I have made it through 5 days back in school. My word was it tough. Teaching 26 of other people's children is a hard way to throw yourself back in but I managed and as the week has progressed I have found it became a big distraction. But as I drove home from work for the weekend I felt that the distraction was too soon in a way. I felt annoyed at myself, maybe even slightly angry, that I hadn't thought about our Little Bean much. I don't want to forget about them and I know I can't think about them all of the time but I'm not sure I was ready for less thoughts to happen yet. I was tearful on the way home because of it. I was also incredibly tired and drained. It didn't help that Tuesday evening I gave myself a black eye in the garden just before bed! (Don't headbutt a BBQ—it hurts!)

So do I think it was right to go back to work? After a week of it happening? I am undecided. On the one hand, yes I do. I needed to go back to normality, I needed the company around me and I needed to feel a purpose again. I also needed to tidy my classroom after leaving it to the mercy of supply teachers and Year 5/6. Although I felt anxious going back, the children were pleased to see me and that certainly helped to make it easier.

But, on the other hand, the first couple of days I felt really disorganised and that I had forgotten how to be a teacher. That doesn't sit well with me because I am a perfectionist and I have always fought to be a high achiever in my career. My to-do list is now covering 4 post it notes and by the end of the week my stress levels were the highest they had been for a while. There were also numerous times when I had to fight back tears after a fleeting thought of what had happened, even with 26 children in the room. It was hard, really hard. However, the more I have been in and the more I have had conversations with colleagues/friends about what happened, the more I have been able to talk about it and that has really helped me. As I have regularly been saying before, I don't want to not talk about it. It is important to me that people do hear that these things happen. Obviously I have no intention of sharing it with parents or children and it's unlikely I will. With colleagues it is a different ball park—especially in a school as tiny as mine. I am one of 6 class teachers, we have just over 90 children on our school roll and once a parent knows something about you, they all will. It's just the territory and I am okay with that. Which is why as much as I want to spread awareness, there are boundaries I want to adhere to for my own personal life.

My headteacher has been incredibly supportive and I am very grateful for that. Especially in a culture where supportive headteachers appear to be hard to come by. It is shame that this is the case but with the continual pressure and budget cuts within schools you can understand to a certain extent why humanity gets lost a little. I am relieved that after next week it is half term and I will have a chance to recuperate and catch up with work as well as my feelings. For those women who are not in the education sector, I think I would recommend 2 weeks off at the very least. It was too soon and knowing half term is coming is what is pulling me through at the moment. Recovery time is different for everyone, some women unfortunately will take a few weeks before the physical elements of a miscarriage are over and then they will have to deal with the emotional grief. I am lucky that my body dealt with it quickly as I am not sure I could have managed a drawn out process.

I read the following today on a miscarriage group on Facebook. I thought it was beautifully written and I wanted to share it with you. Especially if, like me, you have found it hard to see pregnancy announcements and morning sickness complaints on social media outlets so soon after losing your precious baby.

An elephant and a dog became pregnant at the same time. Three months down the line, the dog gave birth to six puppies. Six months later the dog was pregnant again, and nine months on it gave birth to another dozen puppies. The pattern continued.

On the eighteenth month the dog approached the elephant questioning, "Are you sure that you are pregnant? We became pregnant on the same date, I have given birth three times to a dozen puppies and they are now grown to become big dogs, yet you are still pregnant. What's going on?"

The elephant replied, "There is something I want you to understand. What I am carrying is not a puppy but an elephant. I only give birth to one in two years. When my baby hits the ground, the earth feels it. When my baby crosses the road, human beings stop and watch in admiration, what I carry draws attention. What I'm carrying is mighty and great."

Don't lose faith when you see others receive answers to their prayers. Don't be envious of others testimony. If you haven't received your own blessings, don't despair.

Say to yourself "My time is coming, and when it hits the surface of the earth, people shall yield in admiration."

Stay encouraged! Stay positive! Don't compare yourself to others and remember your journey is unique! ❤️

As my journey to extending my family continues, I am trying hard not to become fixated by ovulation dates etc. I have enough to organise in my work life that mother nature can run by herself right now.

I am hoping next week I will find it easier and I will get back onto my sewing machine again. Sewing/dressmaking is a passion of mine but it has taken a back seat with everything that has happened. I really want to get myself back in there again and focus on my hobbies. I hope you are taking some time for yourself too. Your body and mind has climbed a mountain, you need to give it some respite from the daily grind.

Sending love and positive vibes to all the Angel Mummies x

grief
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About the Creator

Aimee W

28 year old from the UK. Married to the most amazing man in the world. Surrounded by 3 cats and a dog. One angel baby and one rainbow miracle This is my miscarriage story. It's raw and honest but I wouldn't want it any other way.

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