Before and After Birth

I was not prepared to be a mom, not at all.

The good news is, no matter how prepared or unprepared we are, we have about 8-9 months to prepare ourselves for our little one's arrival!

I, at the time, had been kicked out of the place I had been staying by my roommate before my high school graduation, so I had to stay with my mom.

After graduating, I left my job and that was the LAST time I worked a 9-5 job.

I had met someone so I had decided to stay with him at a few different places before finally making a huge decision.

Shortly before that huge decision being made after my graduation in June, I found out on the 30th that I was pregnant.

The first emotions were quick and crazy.

I felt really happy at first.

Then REALLY scared because of how things were at the time.

I remember sitting there in the car on my way back to my boyfriend, staring in disbelief at the pregnancy test I had taken in the Walmart bathroom.

I was confused and scared because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I almost thought my mind was playing tricks on me.

Then.

I finally said it aloud as well as in my head.

“I’m pregnant.”

And just about puked in the car due to motion sickness and all the damn emotions.

After finding out we decided to move over 200,000 miles away from the ONLY town we EVER knew.

It was time for us BOTH to start fresh in a new place.

It was time to get to know my dad, finally after 18 years.

It was time to get to know my half siblings that I now have here and call family.

Here, in our NEW town and environment we scheduled our first ultrasound. We were both so excited for it and like I said, you can never really be prepared for a baby.

The appointment went on and on and on and I was so very happy and FINALLY REALLY realize after seeing the ultrasound that there was in fact, a little me in my tummy.

It was all good till the end.

Usually the nurses will chat with you a bit, then send you on your way. Instead they said they needed to grab the head doctor on the shift. They said they would talk to him about the session and have him come in to speak to us after.

A few minutes later the doctor came in and BROKE my heart.

I was not prepared for this…

His very first words were,

“I have nothing, but bad news for you,”

which I hadn’t heard because I was lost in thought as to why he was coming to speak with us. He said our baby had bad “swelling” also known as fluid sacks on his head, neck, and back, which could have meant anything. He talked to us about all the possibilities and I listened, but barely made eye contact, even though I had tried. He said I could get an abortion if I wanted, which will be offered just about my whole pregnancy because of the situation, then said what I never expected…

“Even if you choose not to abort, it is still possible you may lose your baby anyway,”

and I lost it.

I sat there holding the ultrasound pictures in my hands with tears streaming down my face. I couldn’t breathe and I sobbed with my head down low. When we left I barely talked for two days and hardly left our room.

If you haven’t already come to the conclusion, I was very deeply tramatized and I still kinda am. I didn’t expect that at all when I found our I was pregnant nor was I prepared for it.

By time I was about 7 months along everything began to fall into place. By that point we had baby showers, appointments, an apartment, and a happy life. We had just about everything we needed so we were prepared for this baby and ready for his arrival.

Those days of intense labor were hard, exhausting, and amazing no matter how unprepared I was emotionally and mentally.

There’s no way to truly prepare anyone, including myself for all these emotions pregnant women have or for what may happen along the way.

There is no way to prepare for the moment you will go into labor and truly know everything will go as planned or expected.

Life is unpredictable. There is no way to prepare emotionally to bring a baby into this world.