Becoming a Mom

My pregnancy was very rough on me, if there’s any moms reading this, I hope you can relate to the morning sickness. Oh my god it was rough. The first 13 weeks of my pregnancy I did nothing but stay in the bathroom day and night. Had to go to the hospital three times for IV fluids... very rough... but having her was an experience that I can’t describe! My labor was rough. She was my first. It was a hard six hours of back labor and contractions... but only a ten minute push! After I had her the emotions I had were unreal! Heard of the emotional roller coaster? Well, that’s what it was like for me. It didn’t feel like she was mine... it didn’t feel like I just had a baby... it felt like a movie... all I wanted to do was go home. I wanted to take her and go home. But she was having problems and had to be put under the lizard light, which is what I called it, and she wasn’t eating.. all she wanted to do was sleep. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I wanted to breastfeed and I know there’s a lot of different thoughts on it but this was my choice and it was hard. It took us over a month to get the hang of it. And we went through it all...thrush... cracked/bleeding nipples problems with latching... you name it, we went through it. I was ready to give up, it was super painful, but I pushed through and we are still going to this day! She’s ten months and it’s a bond I can never lose with her.

Go back two weeks after I had her... PPD hit me hard. If you don’t know what that is, it’s postpartum depression. It got so bad I was having a rough time and didn’t want to be on Earth. Around my six week check up they put me on medication for it. I’ve been on it for a while and it’s been helping but there are still times that I have sad or depressed thoughts. I’ve been dealing with depression since I was 15. So it wasn’t a shock that I had PPD so bad.

If you stuck with me this long your probably thinking oh will she just shut up already... haha well, this is my way of dealing with my ppd. I’ve started a blog and found this site today actually. So sorry if you didn’t want to hear my life story, but I’m hoping that if I write about it someone else will read it and not feel alone. I’ve been there, I’ve felt really alone and yet I didn’t ask for help. I was too prideful and I got messed up. So this isn’t me asking for help, I’ve dealt with it and this is me writing and saying that if you're a new mom, teen mom, three-time mom or if you're struggling and need someone to talk to, hit me up. I may be a complete stranger who may know nothing about you, but sometimes those are the best kind of people to talk too.

Fast forward a couple months... I look at my daughter and it doesn’t seem real. She brings so much laughter and happiness in our lives I forget what my life was before I had her. She’s grown up so fast I can’t believe it. She’s already trying to walk! Time, slow down! It’s funny cause my mom sees so much of me in her. I call her my mini-me! Being a mom is hard. Being a stay at home mom is even harder! You may be thinking no, it’s easy! All you do is sit at home and play. Well no, not really, I clean, I cook, I take care of her and our dog. But I have to soothe every fever, every tantrum, all the crying for hours and hours and not know what’s wrong. I don’t really get a break. You may think who needs a break from a cute baby. Believe me, once they cry for three to four hours straight you can’t wait for them to sleep or for someone to walk through that door and help and tell you you're doing a great job even when you feel like a crap mom cause you can’t tell what’s wrong... sometimes that’s all you need is to have someone tell you you're doing a good job. Well if you're struggling, then I’m here to tell you are doing great even though it doesn’t feel like it you are!

What’s hard about being a mom is when your baby is sick and all you can do is sit there and wait it out. My daughter has been having seizure-type shakes since she was three months old. Different doctors kept saying to wait till she is a little older and one even said that they were growth spurts which I didn’t believe at all. Well, her normal doctor finally said let’s check it out now that she’s older and we are going tomorrow morning to a specialist... I’m so scared I don’t want it to be anything bad. But I can’t help but think, you know. I’m just hoping for the best. But we have to get up early so I’m going to wrap this long story up. Have a good night and merry Christmas!