Baby Loss Awareness Month

My miscarriage story continued:

On Monday they confirmed I had a complete miscarriage. The cramping has gone, the bleeding has gone and my little Bean; that I loved more than I thought possible, has gone from our lives.

I'm accepting it, a tiny amount at a time, but it doesn't mean that I'm happy about it. Far from it.

The past couple of days I've felt lost, when you're so used to being in control of everything and then the Universe decides what happens for you; it completely throws out the balance. What I do know is that I want to try again. I want to prove that I/my body can do this. I know heartbreak could well happen again, but right now is the agonising wait to be able to try again whilst at the same time reaching every Sunday and thinking "this would have been week 8/9/10 etc." I'm looking at holidays and jobs and flights to the middle of nowhere which is totally illogical, I know. I stop as soon as I realise what I'm doing but I guess it's part of my subconscious trying to take control again.

I pray that none of my best friends ever have to go through this pain. It is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Writing it down seems to be my way of releasing some of the pain but I have had to hide the "guide to pregnancies" books etc. Because I just can't see those right now. I have bought a book to help me understand it all though. I'm sure it will be hard to read but every so often I get flooded with guilt that I did something wrong.

Yesterday morning I walked into the room that we would have been turning into the nursery and a wave of grief hit me. I hope this gets easier for both of us. I read a short excerpt from a book that someone had shared on Instagram that I hope will help me (and you) to move forward:

"Did you know that every child a woman carries actually changes their DNA? Science has now shown that cells of every child remain in the mother's body whether the baby died in the womb, or was born healthy and well. … To know part of them remains within you can be such a gift as you can make their legacy live on."

There is just something comforting about knowing that little Bean will help to look after our next Peanut in some way when the time comes.

I hope, if you are going through the same thing, you know you are not alone. It's a painful path but through our own strengths we will pull through and it doesn't matter if someone manages to pull through quicker than you, everyone grieves in their own way. The most important thing is letting yourself cry and be angry. I've allowed myself a lot of that and I know there will be a lot more to come. October is Baby Loss Awareness Month with 9-15th being the significant week. It is definitely a significant time in my calendar from now on.

Miscarriage happens to 1 in 4 women, on every forum I excitedly joined when I discovered I was pregnant there were women, DAILY, writing posts entitled "I'm out." I truly felt for them, not being able to fathom the heart ache they must be in. Well, now I do. Furthermore, recurrent miscarriages are 1 in 100. Although it's not as common, the number of women I have connected to on social media that have and are going through recurrent miscarriages is significant. And nearly all of us, whether it's one or more miscarriages, don't understand why it had to happen. I never realised the statistics until I became one myself. Whether it was 6 weeks or 6 months or 6 hours after birth, losing a baby is heart breaking. As I said in a previous post, I will never forget our little Bean and the joy they gave us on the first day with those 2 positive lines. We both fell in love instantly. It showed both of us how much we want to be parents and how ready we were/are for it to happen.

I will be lighting my candle on 15th October at 7pm for an hour for the Wave of Light service to remember all babies lost at any age or gestation. Marks and Spencer are selling a candle as part of BLAW 2018 which I hope to get tomorrow, as well as the BLAW t-shirt.

I hope you will join me in lighting a candle too.

RIP Little Bean

We will always love you x