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Babies Are Blessings

A First Time Mom's Guilt

By Lauren HaleyPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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When I was 23-years-old, my boyfriend and I could not wait to have a baby of our own. He had a 5-year-old from a previous relationship but we wanted to add a child of our own into the mix. I wouldn't say we were actively trying to conceive, but at the same time, we weren't trying to prevent it.

A few months went by and I took a pregnancy test. There were two pink lines—faint but present. I sent a picture of it to my friends, saying, "Please tell me this isn't happening." You see, ever since I could remember I couldn't wait to have my own children. It has always been a dream of mine. There's nothing I wanted to be in life more than a mother.

But I grew up in a very strict Christian family. My parents never had "the talk" with me, but I knew what was right from wrong. My grandmother especially was very "by the bible," always wanting the best for me and wanting me to do what was "right." Having a child out of wedlock was unheard of in my family.

I was terrified to tell them. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't muster up the courage to tell them about this baby. Something inside of me was certain they would disown me. So I kept it a secret. For seven months I didn't speak of the child growing inside of me. Yes, SEVEN months. I know what you're thinking; how do you hide a growing baby bump for seven months without them noticing? But I had moved over 400 miles away to be with my boyfriend so they never saw me.

For seven months, I barely took any pictures of myself pregnant. Instead of being happy and excited, I was nervous and scared. We weren't in a good place financially. We didn't have the best house. We didn't know how we were going to do it. The only thing we knew was we would find a way. There was an innocent, precious child growing inside of me and I was going to do whatever I had to do to support him.

Looking back, I regret it all so much. I always dreamed of throwing a gender reveal party, taking weekly bump pictures, and sharing this experience with my family. I didn't do any of that. Not even for myself. I have maybe five pictures of myself pregnant.

Once I finally told my family, literally two months before I was to give birth, they shocked me with their reaction. They were so excited. To this day, I haven't forgiven myself for not telling them sooner. Having a baby is a life-changing experience for everyone involved. Not only did I become a mother for the first time, but my parents became grandparents for the first time, and my siblings gained their first nephew.

Every baby is a blessing, no matter what the circumstances are. Growing and birthing a human is insanely miraculous. The fact that our bodies are even capable of something so amazing is mind-blowing. I thoroughly enjoyed my pregnancy and giving birth. My only regret was not celebrating the entire nine months.

I recently started following moms on Instagram that have been trying to conceive for years. Honestly, we don't think about how those mothers feel, the ones who want a baby so badly but have a hard time getting pregnant. And of course, we will never know the exact struggle unless we experience it for ourselves. But thinking back, I feel horrible for not feeling thankful every minute, every second that I was pregnant and not realizing how blessed I was to be able to go through that experience.

Many people point out the negatives of having a child. I've been told many things including "your life will never be the same," and "you'll never be able to go out and party again." Of course, my life won't be the same. It will be a thousand times better. Nope, I won't get to go party but you know what? Staying in with my fiance and baby is a hell of a lot better than any party.

Nobody said it would be easy. There are always many sacrifices that come with raising a child. I won't live out my life the way I once planned, but that's perfectly fine. My hopes and dreams for life have changed for the better. I have an amazing blessing by my side now. Someone who depends entirely on me. Someone sent to me at the most perfect time in life. A true gift from God, my son.

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About the Creator

Lauren Haley

Mommy blogger from South Carolina

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