Jessica Leigh
Stories (1/0)
Mommy to an Angel
2011 was by far the most traumatic event in my life. My daughter, Grace, was stillborn at 39 weeks and 3 days. My pregnancy with her was great and completely normal. I had my 39-week appointment on March 14th, 2011 and while the doctor flubs her heartbeat, I noticed it was 30 bpm slower than usual. I questioned her about it and she dismissed my fears. We were going to induce that day, but I wasn't dilated at all, so my doctor decided to wait three more days. Induction was then scheduled for March 17th, 2011, St. Patrick's day🍀 The night before my induction, I noticed that she wasn't moving. I figured she was sleeping. I was 21, I really wasn't educated about kick counting or normal fetal behavior. That night I had a dream... My daughter was dead. I woke up crying but dismissed my fears because babies don't die, right? I never thought it was possible. Naïve? Yes. I woke up at 5:30 the next morning and packed my stuff in the car. The whole 20-minute ride, I knew something was wrong. My mom and my cousin came with me to the delivery room. I changed into a hospital gown and sat on the bed while the nurse got the belly monitors ready. She tried for a good 5 minutes to find my daughter's heartbeat, nothing. She found my heartbeat and said, "I hear her in there, I know she's there." That was the biggest lie I've ever heard. She exited the room and another nurse came in. She also tried to find the heartbeat. The second nurse tried the fetal Doppler incase the belly monitors weren't working correctly. Again, no heartbeat was found. I knew something was wrong by the look in her eyes. She said nothing as she left. Both nurses entered the room a couple minutes later with my doctor. My doctor also tried to find the heartbeat with no luck. She called for an ultrasound machine. Something was very, very wrong. For what seemed like an eternity, the machine finally arrived along with my doctor and three nurses. She spent 10 minutes attempting to find my daughter's heartbeat on the ultrasound, but her face said it all. Tears came rolling down her cheeks. She touched my leg and said,"I'm so sorry, sweetie. I can't find her heartbeat." At that point, everyone in the room started crying. My baby was dead inside of me. I failed her, my body failed her. It's not fair! I begged for a C-section just to get it over with. I was told that I couldn't have a C-section because it was not medically necessary, so we started a regular induction with pitocin and a cervidil pill to dilate me. My grandma was supposed to come to the delivery after her hair appointment. My mom called her and told her what was going on. All I heard was, "oh my god, oh my god, oh my god." This was fairly significant because my grandma is very religious and never takes the Lord's name in vain, nor does she swear. About an hour later my grandmother arrived with three angel necklaces, one for me, one for my mom and one for my two-year-old daughter. She was crying, and it broke my heart even more. My pastor was called and sat with all of us until an hour before I delivered. I attempted to nap and while I was sleeping, I woke up screaming and crying. "She's dead! She's dead, Mom!"
By Jessica Leigh6 years ago in Families