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Things That I Can Now See Around Me

Karabo Diseko on Unsplash

According to Wikipedia, "An aura or human energy field is, according to New Age beliefs, a colored emanation said to enclose a human body or any animal or object. In some esoteric positions, the aura is described as a subtle body. Psychics and holistic medicine practitioners often claim to have the ability to see the size, color, and type of vibration of an aura.

In New Age alternative medicine, the human aura is seen as a hidden anatomy that affects the health of a client, and is often understood to comprise centers of vital force called chakra. Such claims are not supported by scientific evidence and are pseudoscience. When tested under controlled experiments, the ability to see auras has not been shown to exist."

I realize that this is a very strange way to start, but I needed to set the stage here. Sometimes, when I have some time for myself, I tend to let my finite mind wander. It wanders about whatever anywhere it wants. It takes me anywhere. I can't help it.

Four years ago, my Mom had passed away. Although I loved her, my Dad and my baby sister so much, death won in the end. Death claimed the three of them and there was nothing I could do about it. When my sister was still with me, I noticed nothing. In the last days of my Dad's life—he was the second in my family trio to die—I noticed something. I noticed that when my dad was physically present, I noticed that there was a certain feel to everything around him. It was something different, something that was always unnoticed by me but was there. On some days, it did not bother me. On other days, I could not shake it. I figured that it was something. I figured that it was Death. Death was always there, but it never introduced itself. It was just there. Period.

There were times when I just looked up at the sky on a sunny day. Even though the sun was out, death was still lurking nearby. Perhaps, it did not want to bother me that day, it still lurked nearby. I could not chase it away. I had a feeling that it was not going to go away. In fact, I had a feeling that it was meant to stay. It was a foreboding presence. It never felt good, but it always followed my Dad most of the time. I even felt it around Mom, too, but that was after Dad died on September 18, 2012.

In the years since Dad died and even shortly before Mom passed on as well, I have not seen this aura or any remainder of it. That is not to say that it was gone. It may have transformed itself into another self. I really can't tell.

There was one day when I sat outside in the driveway after Dad died. I would sit near the end of our driveway in order to watch the neighborhood children run and play around. Mom would occasionally turn to me, make some idle chatter and just smile. "Mom, I love you, too." I never said it too loudly, but I am sure that she knew it based on my smile. One day, she took a nap outside in her wheelchair. I looked up at the sky and thought of my Dad and how both Mom and Dad loved each other and enjoyed each other's company. I could not really picture one without the other, yet that was the reality. Death took one and it was a matter of time that would see it come back for the other. It was during that time that the aura returned.

Mom died on January 10, 2015.

For a few years, I had to figure out what this aura was. I have come to accept that what I called an aura was actually a specter called Death, but it used auras to mark its targets. It was on a mission. Once it found its target, marked with an aura, its mission was completed when it claimed the life of the individual. When I looked back at my sister's lifespan, I remembered how my Mom, niece and I visited my sister when she was in the hospital. I remember when my Mom made her last visit of the family to see her. Mom remarked that my baby sister looked so alive and eager to go home. She was so energetic. 

The next day—February 3, 1987—my baby sister passed away. 

That was the first time that Death paid a visit to my family. Apparently, it has been around my family in some form or the other. That is why I never noticed it. It was always there waiting for a golden opportunity to claim someone I loved so much.

I don't know if Death loves me or hates me. I don't know if Death wants me or needs me. I don't know. All I know is that Death is always there waiting for the right moment. I don't even know if I can ever be ready for it. When my time comes, my invitation to leave this life will automatically be accepted whether I realize it or not. It is a part of life. Like a U.S. military draft, you go when you are called, no questions asked and no refusals accepted. 

I am now a 62-year-old man. I miss my family. What was done is done. I sometimes sit alone... Correction...I always sit alone in contemplation. I am going through life alone. My family is gone. The love of my life is gone. My happiness is gone, too. I have no reason to smile. I have no reason to celebrate anything. I used to wake up motivated, driven to accomplish a goal. Now, I just wake up. I have no goals except to get through the day so that I can go home again only to get ready for the next difficult day. Death has a way of not just taking peoples' lives, but it can take the life out of people. I should now. The aura has sapped the life out of me as well.

Since my family trio has departed this life, I can not only see the emptiness, I can feel it as well. There are times that I drive around town aimlessly in order to see the aura at certain places. I look for places where my family has been. Then, I look for places where I want to be. Nothing! Does this mean that I am happy? No, it doesn't, it just means that I can see why I am just empty at times.

When I was growing up, my Mom used to play a lot of records by older singers. One of them was called "Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless Child." As the name sounds, it was a rather mournful song. At the time, I was scared because I did not want to be without my Mom. For almost three years after Dad died, I guess that I was not a motherless child. But, without Dad there as well, I started to feel like I was an orphan. Having done research, I came to understand that I am now an adult orphan. And I owe all of this to the aura in my life. 

And so, I go on. I awake each day—for now—I'm seeking to find some sort of happiness, not money or any other worldly item. I just want to wake up a bit happy one day. When my sister, Dad, and Mom were alive, I could feel my happiness score at a clean 100 percent. Now, it is so very hard to say, but I can assure you that it is nowhere near that number. I am an underinflated tire that is still able to roll. I am just not up to my known capacity.

Death, my friend, I know that we will one day meet again. See you then.

Sebastien Gabriel on Unsplash

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