Am I Ready to Become a Mom? Have I Done Everything That I Have Wanted to Do? Have I Become the Person That I Think I Should Be?

I was 23-years-old when I became a mom in December of 2000. I was not ready and I knew that. However, I loved this little guy more than anything. I was the most terrified that I have ever been. From the contractions, (by the way, I had no idea what they were supposed to feel like), to the labor, when I heard the woman in the next room screaming bloody murder, to the emergency c-section that needed to be performed, IMMEDIATELY!

Once I saw my son, the uncertainties that I had experienced slowly faded. Then, there were a different set of uncertainties. Am I going to be a good mom? Am I feeding him enough? Is he loved enough? Did I remember to pack diapers? And, of course, am I financially ready to have a baby? The simple answer is, "No. Most people are not and never will be financially ready to have a baby." Children are not a necessity. However, they are not an accessory either. Whether they are planned or not, not many sit and ponder whether they really need to spend the money on a child like they do for a scarf or a pair of shoes.

I was not financially ready to have a child. I had "taken time off" of college and of course, never returned. I did eventually want to return. Once you have a child, it gets harder to do anything strictly for yourself, especially if you don't have a great support system at home.

I never married my first son's father, even though he asked many times. One of the best decisions ever! He was overjoyed at the idea of being a father but didn't want to own the title.

Five years later, I found myself to be everything that I never wanted to be. I knew that only I could change this. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with my son’s father and never realized it until then. I had just about lost all of my family because nobody wanted to be around him. He was a miserable man and was dragging us down with him. I thought for a long time and knew that I needed to gain the courage to leave, not only for myself, but for my son. I didn’t want him to experience all of the negativity that was in our household.

I tried to shield my son from this as much as possible. It was a rough time for us both. Much change occurred that year. I don’t think he even realizes the magnitude of the emotions that I felt about what was going on around us. But I knew that eventually, we would be safe and happy. To any woman that has ever been in an abusive relationship and hears, “just leave,” remember it’s not that easy. Manipulation is a powerful thing. Once you gain the courage, you can do it. Mom’s courage and determination for the safety of your children is a great motivator.

11 years later and I am married with two sons (son from my first relationship and another from my marriage). I let many aspects of my previous relationship stay with me for way too long. I was afraid of many things. I didn't trust people, still don't, but I'm working on it. I have made myself a better person inside and out. I am strong, I am smart, and I have many things to offer. It took a long time for me to be able to say that. I feel accomplished because I can say that. I have returned to school and have a 3.8 GPA. I am on the President's list and am working towards an honors diploma. Let me tell you, if you set your mind to it, you can do it. Moms can do anything they have the ambition for. If you've been through hard times in the past but dug yourself out and held your head high, you can accomplish anything! Don't hang onto the negative past. Let it steer you in a positive direction so that you can succeed at whatever it is that you want for yourself and your life.