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Adopted Struggle: Clarity

Finding Clarity is Key

By Nathan StottsPublished 7 years ago 9 min read
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In my last story, I talked a little bit about myself, and I want to be clear about something: I am glad I grew up where I did and was afforded the opportunities that I had. I grew up in a great school, although I never took advantage of it, a great middle-class town. Being Adopted has never really affected me until I received that letter. And that was twenty-eight years. So, what has changed? The answer, clarity.

I always grew up with the understanding that one gives up their child for adoption due to inability to provide care. And I still believe that if you cannot care for your child, reach out to an adoption agency. But I feel that caring for a child needs to be defined; just because you don’t make a lot of money does not constitute a reason to give your child up. Mental illness, sure that’s a reason enough to give up your child, by care I mean the physical and mental capability to care for your child.

From what I’ve found out about my birth mother, I would have never grown up with what I had. I may not have had the opportunity to receive the education that I had access to. I would never have gotten a Nintendo 64 or Gameboy. There may have never been any activity with sports. A lot of things I would never have experienced that’s for sure. But a lot of unknowns.

Sure, I may not have had a lot of objects and possessions. But there may be a lot of things that I did gain. A supportive and loving mother, who know matter what I wanted to do would have supported and pushed me. My birth family are hard-working people who spent most of their lives working in factories, the only major employer in the area. I say that, and have one rogue Aunt who is a CPA in Texas. So, while I may not have had possessions I would have grown up developing a hard-working mentality, making everything happen for me. Not that I was given everything, I have worked very hard to be where I’m at and to have what I have. However, I would appreciate it a lot more than I do, not taking what I have for granted.

And of course, there is always the other argument of: you may not be where you are at all. You may be working a dead-end job making minimum wage and living in a trailer. We will never know and for that I’m thankful. Because let me be perfectly clear; I am very happy with where I’m at in life. I have a job that pays all of my bills, allows my wife to pursue photography and allows me to enjoy conveniences in life.

My story does differ from others in that my birth mother was not a drug addict, that I’m aware of, and you will discover through this series that my birth mother truly did want the best for me. And of course; which parent doesn’t want the best for their child? I certainly do; everything I do, I do for my adorable son and lovely wife. Which is one of many reasons why I don’t have a yay or nay stance on adoption.

Finding clarity is my journey. Clarity on what it means to be an adoptee who knows who his mother is. Clarity on who I am as a person. And clarity on what this means for my family. Being adopted causes many challenges; not just for the psychological effect, but for health reasons. Think about it; if you didn’t know your family medical history, you wouldn’t know what you were at risk for. Fortunately for me, I don’t have any genetic medical concerns. Although, it’s funny; none of my birth family wore nor needed glasses, yet I have to wear glasses and contacts. I blame growing up when I did, video games and all; and my not so weird skillset with technology. When I was younger I used to think it was weird that out of both adopted parents, I ended up working in IT. My adopted mother is an organist, and my adopted father worked for the State of Illinois. So needless to say, neither of them are real tech savvy. Come to find out, my birth mother wanted to go to school for computers. That was exciting and a driving factor for me. It was exhilarating to find out that my natural skillset and love of technology comes from her.

Knowing that helps me find clarity in why I am the way I am. Which is important, especially if you are the kind of person who needs to know the ‘why’ of things. I have a natural inquisitive nature, so knowing why I am the way I am can become an obsession. Knowing that my mother had an interest in computers and technology drove me to learn more and take on more responsibility at work. And let me tell you, I have learned a lot in my eight months since I started. It has also solidified my desire to own my own tech based business.

My birth father is the real mystery. Not much is known, pretty much the only information I have is that he was very spendthrift and in the Army. Which explains more than you’d think. I always wanted to join the military, however; I was overweight as a youngster, and anytime I started losing a sizeable amount of weight I would injure myself; I broke my foot playing miniature golf, yeah, no joke about that one. But it explains why I love military history and why after I couldn’t join the military, due to broken bones, I latched onto Airsoft and military simulation. Which became a huge part of my life, I spent a little over thirteen years obsessing over the sport. Buying equipment and replicas, traveling all throughout the state and venturing into Missouri and Indiana to events. It was a sad day when I gave it up when I was take advantage of; when building a field with someone.

But there’s more to who I am than the aforementioned subjects. I have always needed female companionship. Always needed to feel cared about; which I never really thought about it until lately when I realized how angry I was getting over the tiniest things. I took a step back and thought about my behavior not just recently but in the past. What has caused it? And then it hit me, my behavior over the past thirteen years and my seemingly necessity to need a girlfriend, to need the attention of another female. Now, I’m not going to lie, it has proven difficult at times, and almost destroyed my relationship with my wife. And even before we were married, she asked me why. She didn’t understand, and to be honest; neither did I. I had made the realization that she was always going to love me, and be there for me, supporting me. And that flipped the switch in my brain: She is your companion. She will always be there for you no matter what, and support you in all your endeavors. And that was the moment I felt my need was fulfilled, and I need not look any further. And let me be clear, I never cheated on my wife when we were dating nor since we've been married.

The false need for female companionship is directly linked to the feeling of abandonment by my birth mother. Which also explains why, when I was younger, I was the proverbial momma’s boy. Always sensitive to the "yo momma" jokes. Running to her when I was feeling sick; heck I remember when I was twenty-two living on my own wanting my mom when I was sick. But over the last several years, that feeling has faded. And I’m not sure if that has to do with my wife becoming that mother role, not that she’s a mother to me, but she has those qualities. Questioning me when making stupid financial decisions, making sure I take care of myself when I’m injured and not making things worse.

If you are adopted and are struggling with self-identity; here is what I have: Find clarity, you don't have to find your birth parents to do so. You just have to find the history. The best place to start finding clarity is the adoption agency who took care of your adoption. If nothing else they may be able to give you non-identifying information such as medical history and heritage. Heck, you may even get a letter from your caseworker laying out your family history, giving you more insight, clarity, into who you are as a person. And if you are not adopted but struggle to understand why your friend who is adopted struggles with self-identity, then I hope this article, series, and my overall story can help you understand why they may feel abandoned or fly off the handle easier than most.

If it's identifying information you are looking for, the best thing I will tell you to do is this: obtain your original birth certificate. Of course you will want to look into your local laws regarding this matter, but I can tell you in Illinois, it's a lot easier than it used to be. Of course there is always a chance your birth parents opted out, deciding not to have their names on the original birth certificate. So it's not a guarantee, but it's a start. Then of course you can dive into the process that is finding identifying information. Fortunately, my birth mother didn't opt out, which leads me to believe that she wanted to be found. Even though that is a stretch, part of me believes she would want me to reach out to her, but inevitably; every time I start to write out a letter or strategize the best approach on reaching out; I panic and stop.

There's really no words in the English dictionary that can describe the feeling I get when I attempt to write out a letter to my birth mom. And yes, reaching out will give me more clarity and ultimately give me all the answers I'm looking for as to the Why of Nathan but I can't bring myself to do it. Am I ready? Is what I find myself asking, are my wife and son ready? While this isn't about them, it affects them, and I don't want to do anything to hurt either one of them. Of course right now, my son would handle it the best as he is just over a year old, and would have zero recollection of this when he's older.

I just hope that if you are adopted and have struggled that you use the above to help you determine the best path in finding clarity. And if you are not and are looking for resources to help your adopted friend, then this is the place. Help them find out who they are. Because knowing oneself if everything in this world. If you don't know who you are, then how are you going to succeed?

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About the Creator

Nathan Stotts

Nathan Stotts grew up in Springfield, Illinois. He has always been interested in writing, more specifically film and screenplays. It wasn't until late 2017 that he finally pursued it deeper than just a hobby.

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